A few years ago I was in an abusive relationship. Physically and mentally. 2 years later and I’m still dealing with people from court contacting me because of pending charges against him and them just keeping me up to date. I’m just so ready for him to put in his guilty or not guilty plea, and for me to move on.

That particular situation causes me a lot of anxiety and worry in itself.

Not to mention the obvious regrets of being in the relationship and the anger towards him.

Some other stuff happened during this time as well and let’s just say I figured out my mom is literally the fakest person I know. I don’t want to put details of what she did and the ways she hurt me, but I will say I have WAY more anger towards her than the guy who literally tried to kill me. And that should say a lot. She hurt me deep. Maybe not physically but what she did, continued to do after I expresssd my hurt and continues to this day makes me feel a legit RAGE.

With that being said, I don’t talk about my issues or feelings because literally every time I have whoever i am talking to about it turns it into an attack against them versus listening to my feelings. So I live every day bottling all this up, and then some days I just snap. This doesn’t happen at all. Maybe once every 6 months. And it only happens when someone close to me is rude to me or does something to set it off. And THEN is when I voice my issues and then of course they get rude and defensive when I’m just trying to talk, then I blow my lid.

I’ve never been this person before. It literally feels like an anger is constantly in my chest trying to claw out. I think multiple times a day how much I HATE my own mom for what she did to me and how she continues to treat me.

I can’t deal with this it’s taking a toll on my health. Anyone went through anything similar? What helps? Therapy? Medicines?

I find myself wanting to self destruct with random hookups, alcohol, weeds, pills etc