January 1 2019 I lost my first pregnancy

Healing has been a rocky slippery slope that always seems to bring me to my knees before I inevitably pull myself up, wipe the tears from my face, and carry on. The worst part though is the toll it has taken on my relationship with my fiancee. See... the thing is before I found out I was pregnant I honestly wasnt sure I wanted to be. Which has been a point of tension between us from day one. Put it this way, my body, heart, and soul were screaming yes while my mind was struggling to put a foot in the water.

Today is February 12 2020. It still hurts but I no longer break down. That day came and went and I managed to stay afloat, no longer feeling like I'm treading water, no longer feeling like I'm drowning, no longer feeling like I'm sitting on the ocean floor looking up at the surface where a riple of light dances so far away and I'm gasping, holding on to the hope that I'll be able to reach it if I could just somehow let go of this fucking anchor. Today was good until my fiancee and I got really sexy lol. It was feeling so damn good when this sharp thought hit me like a slap in the face. I was ovulating today or tomorrow. My mind raced and my body took over. I screamed, pull out fucking pull out! My body scrambled away from him. The poor guy I practically kicked him off me. He looked at me horrified. I instantly felt sick. I got up, fled to the bathroom, and cried. Our loss was my first ever pregnancy. Recently we have been talking about purposely trying for a baby after our wedding in October. I can talk baby until I'm exhausted. So why when I get this close to it do I freak out? I came back to bed feeling so much hurt and shame. I layed there next to him feeling so much all at once. I was deeply sad, angry, sickened, and felt so incredibly sorry for having pushed him away like that. I know he would have pulled out he always does with hesitation.

Before you get all well just use protection and you wont have to worry about it. Let me explain. I can't be on hormonal birth control because it caused me to drop into a depression state and resulted in huge and unpredictable mood swings altering my personality to the point where my own mother didn't want to be around me. I would be short with people and down right mean and then a puddle of myself for no real reason over stupid stuff. It also worsened my anxiety along with causing incredibly painful migraines. All of which have gone away since stopping all forms of hormone based birth control and keeping a close eye on things in my diet that can cause hormonal imbalances. Also condoms make me break out in hives. So we've agreed to just track my cycles and if I get pregnant so be it.

I told him over and over that I was sorry. I didnt know or understand why I reacted that way. He just said it is what it is. Right sure that makes me feel awesome. To which he said, "well to be honest you made me feel like I was rapping you. You couldn't get away from me fast enough. If you didnt want to have sex then say so. Dont make me feel like I'm forcing you." That cut like a hot knife through my damaged soul. The pain I felt for what Iade him feel just then was unbearable. This man, who puts up with all my anxiety and crazy. This man who loved me through all of deep dark lows. This man who has stood by me patiently for over a year hoping I would tell him I'm ready to start talking baby. This wonderful, strong, loving, weird, intelligent, perfect man, and I made him feel so wrong. I sobbed beside him. He asked me why I was crying. I said, "because I hate that made you feel that way. I was scared because I completely forgot I was ovulating and when I remembered my mind went into panic mode because I didn't want you to stop but I dont want to be pregnant right now. Idk why I overreacted like that. I hate that I did that to you" He sat up and turned the tv on. Scrolling through YouTube he pulled up a video of this massive body builder doing an ice swimming challenge in a speedo with rubber duckies on it complaining about how his dick is retreating inside himself. He turns to look at me and says pretty sure this will cheer you up. And it did and I hated him for it lmao. About 15min later he says, "so if we try this again where am I coming?" With that devilish grin I fell I love with. Ugh this man i swear if it was anyone but him I dont know where I'd be.

My point to this ridiculously long post is that after pregnancy or child loss it does get better.... in time....sometimes sooner....sometimes much later. We all grieve differently. In time the pain lessens and the triggers recede. You can acknowledge that the woman with her infant bothers you but you dont feel jealous of her instead you feel admiration and joy for her. You can confront your anxieties and fears head on, working through one at a time. The reality is though loss like this, pain like this will carry with you on your journey through life. Much like rain drops hitting the glassy surface of a pond at the beginning of the storm. The once calm quiet waters are now churning and tossing, muddying the whole. When the storm ends the waters are still churning. The surface calms once again but the waters are still clouded. One drop hits and sends ripples through the surface once again. The rings loosing energy as they travel further and further away from the center. Over time the ripples left by loss diminish. The surface calms and the depths clear. But it never really goes away. Im still working on those shadows that lurk in the depths. I know that, but at least I'm acknowledging they exist. And I thank every higher power there is that the man in my life is able to understand that. Not sure what I did to deserve him but thank you to whom ever sent him❤

To all of you ladies who are reading this please love yourself enough to understand that this pain you feel is human and normal and real and it's ok to feel it. It's ok to break down. It's ok to be angry. But please don't allow yourself to take up residence at the bottom of that ocean so far away from those that love you. Dont hide from the anxiety and fear. Choose instead to educate yourself on what can and cannot affect a pregnancy. Dont blame yourself. And give yourself the time you need to heal. Work on your self love and care. We all know loss happens bit that doesn't make it any easier to bare. So please mama's be kind to yourselves and talk to your loved ones about how you feel and why you feel that way. They just might surprise you.