We were so excited. We had our first scan yesterday. It felt like an eternity getting to this point. . I wanted this baby so much that I found out I was pregnant 5 days before my period was due. I don't miss anything in relation to my body. It turns out - I missed this. 😢

They called it a missed miscarriage. Everything was going so perfectly. No bleeding. No pain. Normal symptoms of pregnancy. Sore boobs was the main one for me. And then we got in there for the first scan. My heart sank when the doctor said she was concerned. She showed us an empty sac. She said it should be much bigger, and we should be able to see something by now. She sent me down for an internal examination to verify. Unfortunately, they saw nothing too.. Last resort is some blood tests to see if my HCG levels are increasing or decreasing. But given I've started bleeding today, it's a sure sign that the miscarriage is well and truly happening. It's done.

I'll be going in for a curette next Tuesday. I can't believe I'm saying that. The stupid part is, tomorrow, we have some baby furniture arriving at the house. I clearly got ahead of myself. . I got too excited and bought the dream chest of drawers that I've wanted for a long time. I feel so angry and betrayed. I'm dreading the knock on the door for the arrival of this furniture to go into our prepared, baby room. How stupid I was. 😖

Right now, I'm lying here, and I have no idea how to feel. Do I keep crying? Have I cried enough? Should I be supporting my husband more when I feel so low? I dont know how to function. Just so deeply disappointed. Sadness I've never felt before.

How is it possible to love something? I never truly had? I guess all I can be grateful for is the knowledge that I can get pregnant. And that this experience makes part of my journey. Helping me to be stronger in the long run. It has to.

But right now, it's so very raw. 💔