I feel so worthless atm, I was clean of self harm for three months, now my closest friends mother has been diagnosed with cancer and I relapsed so badly last night, I can't tell her because she is having such a hard time as Is and I don't want to burden her or cause her to relapse into her ed [she doesn't know I harmed it the first place]

Why am i not better yet/what can I do in place of harming as a coping mechanism?

Advice is greatly needed