Heres the gist. When I was 15 (25 now) I was dating this guy I knew for a long time and he was 18. We dated on and off for 3 years. He knew about my emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic mother he helped me through it by getting me away from it as much he could. Well I lost my virginity to him at 15, he kind of asked everyone to the room and said well we've known each other forever so its not bad so I said okay. But frequently in the relationship he had this game where if he got my pants off we had to have sex. So no matter how much I tried keeping my pants on he always got them off and I would just lay there , basically frozen until he was done. It happened quite a bit too. And eventually he would make me (if I didn't he'd get super pissed and leave me) have sex with him anywhere and everywhere. Outside, public places, wherever.

I didn't think anything of of because my mom never talked to us about sex and I always saw her having sex with men so I never knew was a proper sexual experience should be. I explained this to a friend and she said its rape. My brain won't see it as that probably because it was so long ago it cause I didn't think it was abnormal while it happened. But I cannot move past this and I'm having trouble being in a place emotionally to see a therapist just yet.