In need of smart people for opinions on why am I so fucked up?

When I was 14 I moved to a new state. I was pretty, but weird. I def hung out with the “emo/scene” crowd but at this new school I still wasn’t accepted by most people. The “leader” (for lack of a better term) of them hated me (she was insecure and jealous) because she swore I was trying to steal her boyfriend, despite the fact that I had no idea who her boyfriend was. So one of the girls that actually did accept me brought me to hang out with them. I desperately wanted to be accepted and was trying anything I could to impress this girl so she would know I’m not after her boyfriend and I am cool. Anyway, we ended up running into a guy that worked at our local Target. He was 19. I was 14. I was a virgin. I desperately wanted to be accepted and prove I didn’t want her bf. so I went with target guy (we will call him Evan for shits sake) and had him show me the high school I would be attending the next year (yes I was in middle school). It was an outdoor campus, like a strip mall with different buildings kind of? Well in front of the gym, next to those big green power boxes. I let him take my virginity. I told him I was 16. I did not want to have sex with him, but I wanted to be accepted by my peers more. So I let it happen. I said I was 16 and it was okay. He thought I was a freshman in high school, held back one year. So for a very long time I was super messed up over this because I really didn’t want to have sex and I really wasn’t old enough to consent or fully understand what I was giving up, The night it happened I went home and went to use the bathroom. I saw the blood in my underwear and I just cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t really process it and I started smoking weed heavily and doing bad in school. I hated when I started high school. I had to walk past that spot every single day. I started processing it slowly and I couldn’t decide if I had actually been raped or not. When I turned 16 I decided to call him. I had his number still and it hadn’t changed. We hung out for a night and drank. He was a really nice, good person. Respectable. I could tell he was also a nerd in high school before he graduated. He probably didn’t get a ton of attention from girls. We did not have sex again. But I decided not to tell him the truth. I didn’t want this good person to be ruined because I lied. But ever since then I decided it was rape. Maybe he was confused too, and in the moment, but the fact is that a 19 yr old took the virginity of a 14 year old and wether or not the rapist knew it was rape, it was. Do I blame him? Absolutely not. Am I angry with him? No. Do I think he’s a bad person? No. Do I think he would knowingly have sex with a minor that was not old enough to consent? No. He’s no danger. He’s not a rapist. But then why do I still feel raped, and why did I tell other people in my life that I was raped(never mentioned by who)? What is going on in my head rn? How do I get past this? This right here is the VERY start of my life spiraling downward and out of control. How do I feel? How should I be feeling? How would you feel? Someone please say something because I’m ready to hurt myself over this. I’m so confused.