My boyfriend and I love together in our own home. I've been living away from my parents for 4 years now, and 1 with him. We've got our own lives to deal with and are working towards marriage and TTC by 2022. All is well in our little slice of heaven.

However, my family is incredibly toxic. My father abused me when I was younger, because he wasn't getting the right kind of anger counseling, and was severely depressed. This has changed in recent years, and he's become a much better person. He's practically my best friend now and I call him every day. We're all very proud of him.

My mother is also severely depressed, and has been on multiple hospital suicide watches in the last 2 years. She's tried twice. My younger sister is the same way. She's 17 and has tried to kill herself probably about 4 times now, each ending in an ER visit. She has horrible mental health issues and paranoia and anxiety. Ended up with a few STD's as well over the years as well from manic sex sprees with pedophiles...

It's all kinds of fucked up. All.kinds.

And of course, my boyfriend and I are the crutches my family keeps trying to lean on.

My mother hasn't worked in 2 years due to depression and being mentally unfit. She was previously a nurse. We are all trying to get her to do SOMETHING because my father just got demoted, due to stress affecting his job, and now they can't afford their bills. She refuses to get a job, and my sister refuses to work as well. Leaving my father drowning.

My Grandfather was diagnosed with cancer over Christmas and has been in the hospital since then. 3 weeks ago, my grandmother had a stroke and ended up in the hospital. And just 4 days ago, my closest cousin had a blood clot. And that same day, I was woken up at 3am by a call from my sister crying and telling me that she was going to kill herself, so I spent an hour talking her down while searching for my damn backup phone to call my parents, who were literally unaware of the situation in the room next to her.

I called my father today to see how he's holding up. I was informed that my mother told him she was planning on taking out his life insurance and all their savings, and running away. Apparently she's been secretly putting money away the last 2 years so she can run away from him and my sister. Money that was supposed to be for bills, and now the IRS is after them. She financially abuses my father by not working, and won't let him touch any of the money he earns, and never telling him what she's doing with it.

My father wants to divorce her, but we all know if he does, my mother will kill herself. And that will cause my sister to kill herself. And my dad told me if that happens, he might as well kill himself too.

My grandparents don't have much time left. Doctors estimate this year could be their last. I have no other family nearby. If things get worse, I will lose all of my immediate family members to suicide, and then I get to watch my grandparents die in the hospital. And if they go first, my mother will kill herself. (And you know the rest will follow)

Every morning, I wake up, thinking today could be the day I lose my whole family. I prepare myself every day for the call. Any call. I can't even cry about it anymore. I certainly won't be surprised. I'm half expecting it, honestly. I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel anymore. I'm detaching... I think of my family and just feel numb.