Rainbow after the Rain

When I was little I loved the rain. The droplets hitting my face felt like kisses from Heaven and the smell of the earth embodied something new, something clean and something pure. My favorite part of the rain though, was the rainbow that came afterwards. Growing up, my grandma never hesitated to remind me that the beautiful array of colors I had pointed out were a symbol of God’s promise to us that there would always be an end to the storm. I found comfort in that then and I still do.

As I grew older, the rain became less magical but the rainbows never did. I started to hate the raindrops that brought destruction but I still always looked forward to the rainbow that came afterwards. The rainbow that meant the storm was over and I could continue on in my day warm and dry. Soon, the rain became something less literal. The rain became a fight with a best friend or a hard day at work. It became difficult to see the rainbow after those storms but I always knew they were there.

In April of 2019 I faced the biggest storm of my life. The storm that felt like it was going to rage on and wipe away everything good. This storm felt like it had no end. My husband, Devon, and I had been married for 7 months and had faced many things together in that time but nothing could have prepared us for this. We had found out that we were expecting. We were filled with an instant and overwhelming sense of joy unlike we had ever experienced. My heart had never been more full staring at the double lines in front of me. A week later the rain started. We found out that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Basically, the embryo had implanted in a spot that it couldn’t grow in and if it had,it would have ended in miscarriage and could also have been fatal for me. My heart shattered into a million pieces that day. I felt like my body had failed me and had failed my baby. I had to go through a series of shots to end the pregnancy and have weekly blood draws. A few weeks later, two days before Mother’s day, I was taken in for emergency surgery to have my left tube removed since the shots had failed. We were told that my fertility would be severely impacted by this surgery and that it might take a while before we could get pregnant again. I had never felt so helpless before. I felt like I had completely lost all say and control over my body. Afterwards I still felt pregnant. I still had morning sickness and was still bloated. It was a constant reminder of this huge loss I had just experienced. For a while I sat in this feeling of hopelessness and depression. I let myself completely drown in the rain.

December 2019, the rainbow finally came. We found out we were expecting again! This time, the double lines brought so much joy but also so much fear. I felt like we had received the biggest gift. We weren’t expecting to get pregnant again so soon with me now down a tube so this baby felt like a miracle. For the first few weeks I was terrified. I didn’t want to get used to the idea of being pregnant because I was all too well aware of how soon this gift could leave and the storm could start again. At our first ultrasound, Baby Lea was confirmed to be in the right spot. I took my first giant breath of relief that day. As the days continued on I still had a really hard time processing this pregnancy. I was grateful and happy but I still felt like I couldn’t celebrate just yet. At our next ultrasound we got to see that precious amazing flicker. I’m tearing up as I write this because it was the most beautiful thing I had ever witnessed. My baby was healthy and now had a tiny beating heart to prove it. My body finally felt like it was doing its job.

Losing a pregnancy is unlike any other loss. I never met my baby, I barely even carried them before we found out we were losing them. It was confusing and hard to process. The thing about pregnancy loss that I felt most unprepared for though, was the next pregnancy. For a while I felt really guilty. I felt like I was unintentionally replacing the child I had just lost. It made it really hard to be excited about this pregnancy which brought along its own bucket of guilt. With my first pregnancy, there was an instant connection. With my second, I had a really hard time connecting to the baby. Some days I even felt a little angry. I was angry that my first pregnancy hadn’t gone this smooth. I was angry to be putting my maternity leggings back on and to be reminded of our loss. I was angry for being angry.

Today I am 16 weeks pregnant with a beautiful, healthy baby boy and while I am over the moon excited and so unbelievably in love, there are still days that are hard. Anxiety has been a prison that I have been trapped in for a long time and now with another life to worry about, that anxiety has doubled. I fear everyday for the million and one things that could go wrong but I also leap with excitement at every milestone.I know that there will be other storms but I also know that God keeps his promises and this baby is one of them. For now this rainbow is here to stay and I am enjoying the view.