I need to know I can be sad

I thought if anyone understood what I'm saying it would be you folks.

I just gave birth to my rainbow baby after losing 3 babies in 3 years.

Despite many ultrasounds saying everything was ok, when my baby was born I knew something was wrong.

We now know that my baby's spine did not develop correctly.

She's having spinal surgery soon, but the surgeon said it wasn't a "fix or cure" situation, but rather a "make comfortable or improve." We were told she may not be able to feel her legs or have pain her whole life, she may never be potty trained. She might have neurological issues as well.

I'm in grief right now.

Everyone keeps telling me that it will be OK or things will work out. I keep being told that my husband and I are good parents and can handle this.

Truth be told, I know this. I'm disabled, I'm not worried about raising a disabled child. I'm up for the challenge and my baby will be given the best life.

But it still sucks. It sucks for my baby, this is not the life I wanted for them. It sucks for us, because it is going to be a lot of money on surgeries and services and time on therapies and appointments. It will be harder on my other living kids. We wanted more, but that doesn't seem like that is prudent anymore.

I just want someone to tell me that it sucks and let me grieve and get it out.

I can feel positive about it tomorrow or next week, I just want to be validated in how I feel now, you know?

I want to be sad and I want that to be ok without being judged.