A week ago I had an abortion. It was totally my choice, no pressure either way. But I had to do it. And while I don’t necessarily regret it, sometimes I miss the baby I’m never going to have. I think about how I’ll never look in their eyes, never see them smile, never hear them call me mom, and it makes me cry.

I’m already a mom to two under two. My youngest is 6 months. It happened because I had just broken up with the father of my kids and I was sleeping around unprotected trying to distract myself. My depression and mood regulation issues were severe, worse than usual (and they’re always bad). Plus ADHD means I’m going to do stupid impulsive things.

Well I had just gotten on medication for these problems. I finally didn’t feel suicidal, I felt like taking care of myself, I didn’t feel so impulsive. Then I found out I was pregnant and I had to go off these meds.

At first I was going to do an adoption, but my mood dropped so fast without my meds. I was so irritable and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go nine months plus the inevitable depression after birth. I already have two kids that need a mentally stable mom, and this baby wasn’t even wanted. So I had the abortion.

I know it was my choice, but I keep thinking that if I didn’t have mental health issues, I could’ve had my baby. If I wasn’t suicidal. If I could take care of myself (I’ve lost over 20lbs in a short time because I stopped eating). Hell, if I didn’t have mental health issues then I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place. And all of this just makes me sad.

I’m back on my meds now and being a great mom to my kids. But now I’m always going to think about the baby I never had.