Losing hope

I started trying to get pregnant when I was 37 and started IVF 8 months later when we didn’t have any luck. I had no idea what to expect - what was good or bad - what follicles were or how many to expect. I was completely lost and caught off guard once it was all over with no pregnancy. I didn’t even know that my numbers were much lower than ideal. Four eggs were retrieved and three fertilized. They were slow glowing and two transferred on day three with no pregnancy.

I ended up getting pregnant on my own three months later and couldn’t believe our luck. I told my family on Fathers Day just ahead of my 10 week checkup. We celebrated and then at my checkup I was told that the heartbeat stopped. I was crushed and numb all at the same time.

I’ve been trying ever since and decided to try IVF again at a different facility.

It looked like I was going to have 10 follicles but now (day of trigger) they only see 3 mature follicles. I feel a bit defeated and hopeless even though the process hasn’t failed yet.

My biggest fear is that this won’t work and I’ll be out of options. My current insurance plan only covers a capped dollar amount which isn’t even one full cycle. I don’t think we can keep accumulating debt for tries that have such a small % chance of success each time.

Do I give up on IVF if this doesn’t work? Is it time to consider an egg doner? Will I even feel like that’s my child?

I’m so terrified that I’ve ruined my life by waiting. And here I was thinking that I was doing the right thing and being responsible by getting myself secure in my career and financially stable before starting a family. I supported my husband for 7 years while he started his company, bought a house and now it’s empty. Do I just give up, sell my house and move to a childless friendly neighborhood somewhere?