I always had a gut feeling he had cheated on me. I never had proof and he gas lighted me whenever I accused him. I caught him in several lies, one being that there was a bitch in his army unit I didn’t like and he lied to me about ever being in his unit or refusing to talk about a future that he once wanted. I felt like I was going mad. It’s been nearly ten months since I left him. It was kind of shitty that I ghosted him but I stopped feeling valued. Two weeks later, I found out he got married two weeks after I broke it off with him. I cried everyday for months. I even felt like taking my own life because I felt so worthless that even I wasn’t good enough for him. To cope, I was drinking to the point of blacking out, smoking weed that I couldn’t feel my face, taking stimulants that weren’t mine, sleeping around with people that didn’t care about me. I was so broken. Eventually, I started going to the gym and eating healthy. I lost about seven pounds in two months. But I still think about him everyday. When I finally started ignoring him fully in October, he had called me and texted me every week for a month. Even though he was married. I had to change my number and I threatened to call the police for stalking and harassment because I just wanted to be at peace. I get worried that he may contact me again soon or get divorced and I still dearly love him but I know he’s a terrible person and doesn’t deserve me. I’ve dated several guys since but I can’t seem to forget him? Do you guys have any advice? I’ve healed for the most part and stopped doing all the wacky things I did over the summer because I don’t feel as much pain and that definitely was not me. I have not healed completely but I want to. He was my first everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first lover. Why am I on the back burner? Why does he get to be happy with his stupid wife? Why am I still stuck?

Edit: Thank you guys, you’re all so wonderful. I’ve been in therapy for a long time because I had some serious family problems as a kid and it’s more difficult because I was with him for three years and he knew all about this. For the record, I don’t claim to have been the best gf either in the past, I recognized my own flaws but I didn’t lie or cheat. I’m more than positive his wife knew about me though and didn’t care. I just feel stuck and it really isn’t because I’m choosing to be. I’m trying really hard to.