I’ve been trying to write this for two years, yet I never truly understand how to convey what happened, or the effects on my life afterward. I did not want to speak out openly, and for that to take away from where I am now in life. I did not want to be accused of wanting attention. I do not want my ex in my life, and I was scared he would hear about this. I was truthfully trying so hard to focus on my happiness, I did not want to be “that girl” with “that Facebook post”. Lastly- so many people let me down, I didn’t want that feeling again.

You see, I am the survivor of a domestic abuse relationship. I am the woman who hid bruises, I am the woman that tasted my own blood. I am the woman who lied to cops about him hitting me, and then called them later on. I am the woman everyone had a suspicion it was happening, but I never could publicly say it. I was afraid, I’m still truthfully afraid. I am the woman who went to his family for help, only to be blamed, despite them watching the abuse unravel in front of them. I am the woman who felt hopeless and trapped. I am the woman who kept getting blackmailed and promised change to stay. I am the woman who excused it for alcohol. I am the woman who had Facebook posts and threats whenever she left. I am the woman who had a soda poured on her in public because of a friendship he didn’t like. I am the woman who had her door kicked in. I am the woman who was told countless times she was too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too plain, and parts of her body tore down. I am the woman who got slapped, punched, scratched, kicked, and strangled.

I am also the woman who left. I am the woman who ran, and pushed back against the threats. I am the woman who said enough, and stayed away. I am the woman who stayed strong and reclaimed her life.

I am woman who has such bad anxiety from confrontation, she cries anytime someone is mean. I am the woman when there’s any inkling of being helpless suddenly becomes a basket case. I am the woman others dub sensitive or emotional, but don’t understand how hard it is to breathe when someone seems upset with me. I am the woman so easily intimidated I will go out my way to avoid you. I am the woman who is also judging myself for how I am, so don’t worry- you’re not alone.

MR-3/12/2020