I've been calling and texting 24 hr crisis lines for the past few hours due to a severe panic attack. I was met with holding music for 30+ minutes, voicemails, no response at all. I know they have others they are talking to, it just kind of set it in stone for me that I really am meant to deal with all of this alone. I finally talked to one person a bit ago, I started crying pretty hysterically because someone finally answered. He kept asking me why I was distressed, what was going on, but I couldn't stop crying which defeated the purpose of calling in the first place. Then he told me when I was ready to talk to try again later, and he hung up. So I screwed that up pretty bad. I just want to get all of this out, but when it comes down to it I freak out, start excessively stuttering/shaking, I space out and forget what is going on. I keep screwing myself. Like my subconscious is punishing me for being the way I am. I just want to talk about this, but my brain literally won't let me or I'm ignored by those I thought I could trust to confide in. I'm constantly fighting myself on wanting to talk to someone but not wanting to be anyone's burden. Just typing this out makes me feel like shit. Oh look, this chick throwing herself a pity party? Who cares? I can't expect anyone to listen, so why do I feel discouraged and disappointed when they won't? I'm just one person versus millions who have it way worse than I do. I feel so fucking guilty for having these breakdowns. It effects my work, my home life, and the two people that are actively in my life because I need to be my best for them but my selfish ass can't keep it together. Dammit.