Betrayed. Porn. Lost. Need advice

Long read:

Disclaimer: Almost 13 years with SO. I’m not trying to come off as one sided but I need an outlet and some levelheaded advice. I’m torn, feeling like I’m overreacting or that I’m following my heart and protecting my daughter.

I have deep rooted trust issues From lying. He has a serious lying issue. I’m talking, he needs help. Everything big or small; It’s a lie. nowadays every word feels like a lie. Next majjjooorrrr issue; I have a very high sex drive. I’m always up for intimacy. In any way. But our sex life.... there is NO sex life. It’s been like this from the start. I’ve suspected low testosterone but idk for sure... I have asked him over and over to have sex. I have asked what he wants, desires, kinks, etc. I have tried toys, lingerie, back door, front door, any and all doors!!! I have even brought up bringing in another person. BUT nothing, he shows no interest. AT ALL. I know 10000% he is not cheating physically. But I have caught him looking at porn, Chatroulette, etc. I know I probably sound ridiculous after everything I’ve tried BUT I feel extremely hurt that he watches it. But it’s Because he doesn’t have any desire for me at all. It wouldn’t bother me as much if he wanted me too (I’ve told him this)... anyway I’m hurt deeply by it. Very hurt. I feel like he’s cheating. Call me insecure. I am at this point. It has affected the way I think about myself. I feel disgusting, hideous, unloveable, not desirable in the slightest. And so, several times now, I have made it absolutely CRYSTAL CLEAR that if he is unwilling to try to work on a sexual relationship with him together (at least work on it, be open, talk, anything at all) then I feel betrayed and deeply hurt that he’s desiring other women and watching porn. I feel like he’s cheating. And have clearly and openly told him this. The last time I told him that if I found it again, that I would leave. He promised he would never again and was oh so sorry that it’s hurt me so much... So you guessed it, tonight I found him watching again. (After almost 5 months of ME asking if he’s up for sex, but nothing)... so tonight I told him I want to leave (which deep down I’m torn about) but he laughs at me. He doubts me. Always. He says I’m overreacting and justifies himself by saying that I should “make a move” and “we have no sex life” “we argue and it makes it difficult” (we barely argue, especially lately). and I can’t believe he tells me to make a move! I’ve been asking for months!? am I supposed to jump on him, so he can just turn me down again.... My self image is so damaged that Im having a really hard time even bringing up sex lately, let alone risking being pushed off. i feel like a desperate, disgusting, idiot.

I also want to make clear that I have not “ let myself go” and logically I know I’m attractive... I am tall (5’9”;) I’m about 130-135 pounds. Big breasts. Decent butt and hips. Small waistline. Hourglass figure. By society’s standards I’m doing good. (Not trying to be conceited, just saying for those who might think I’ve stopped trying)...

Now besides the above issues. Our relationship is solid. We have a decent life together. I love him deeply. I know he loves me. We get along well. We’re good as a team. He’s my best friend honestly. But this is destroying me.

I’m tired of my daughter seeing me hurt. I don’t want her to grow up thinking that she’s not enough because I never felt like enough. I don’t want her to grow up thinking it’s normal for men to lie so much and sneak around. I want to be better for her.

Idk how to resolve this or work it out anymore. I don’t feel like I can look past it. Or get over it. But deep down I feel like I want to just make it go away. I almost wish I wouldn’t have even found him tonight. I’m hurting.