I was 15 years old when I met a 25 year old guy. I’ll call him L. Im from San Diego Cali and my family is from Jalisco Mexico. It is not so taboo for a younger girl to get with an older guy in our culture. We had sex and L became my boyfriend. I did not love him when we had sex but I eventually started becoming attached and fell in love with him. He cheated on me and lied to me so many times. I was raped when I was young... I guess In a way I expected L to make me happy. He is the only person that knows I’ve been raped and knows who raped me. L was my first everything. Our relationship was pretty bad. So many fights which later became physical. Now that I’m older I realize he manipulated me so many times. At 17 I caught him asking other women out on dates and when I confronted him and broke up with him, he would say he’s going to hurt himself. I also remember he told me that in his past relationships, they all left him for someone else. I staged because I didn’t love myself. I didn’t want to feel alone. I ended up marrying him. L seemed as the most happy, loving, funny and charming person. He seems so gentle and kind but I know the real him when he’s mad. Sometimes he was the sweetest and other days, he was cold and heartless. We tried for a baby but I just couldn’t get pregnant. He is now leaving me because I guess I’m too much to handle.. I am 23 now. I feel like my world is crashing. I don’t have much money saved up and I lost my job due to COVID 19. Everything is his. I don’t even want anything of his. But I am scared because all I’ve know is him. I don’t even have my own car. But I do have somewhere safe to stay. I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared that I will never have My own family and be able to be a mom. In this Mexican culture, being divorced is seen as something “bad”. I am planning to go to therapy to help me heal.. also, was this rape? I never said no to sex but I can’t believe I was 15 having sex with a 25 year old. I feel so crazy and stupid. I just want to heal