I've been in this relationship for nearly 4 years, I'm 20 and he is 23. A year into our relationship I found a ton of really concerning porn in his browser history. I wasn't even looking for it, he had signed his account into my phone for something and never signed out. I noticed that it was his account a few weeks later after seeing disgusting things in "my" history.

Anyways, he was watching porn several times every single day, some of it being "rape" porn. Which makes me sick just to say. He also had googled "kik group to share nudes" then downloaded kik right after. I confronted him. He pretended to be clueless. He denied it for a few weeks. Then I noticed kik was still on his phone. He then said that he downloaded it with the intention of swapping nudes but "deleted it before I did because I thought of you" (bullshit) but I believed him. Until later I saw him google how to deactivate a kik account. He was also watching cam girls all the time. This was all stuff I hadn't thought about before because I previously thought he watched normal porn occasionally like other guys. I mean, we were having sex almost every day at that point. Anyways, I told him I would leave if it happened again. And what do you know it happened again and again and again.

We fought about this for months. He would cry and apologize one day, then call me a crazy bitch and say that he regrets nothing the next. He would always call other girls sexy and constantly talk about his exes and their boobs and childish shit like that. A few months ago I opened his laptop and it was in incognito mode on Ome, like omegle but more intended for sex, according to a quick google search. I once again confronted him and he said that he uses it to talk to strangers when hes lonely. ???we live together and he had just gotten home from work and was about to head off to his dads place but he was so deprived of human contact that he felt the need to go on private and spend 10 minutes talking to what...other dudes? Hes not a very social guy to begin with.

I always catch him with secret photo saving apps that he will lie about every time. He has secret instagram and tiktok accounts that he thinks I dont know about that he uses to follow naked girls. The most disturbing part it, tiktok is mostly 15 year olds. How does he know the "hot little girl prancing around in small skirts" isnt a literal child? He doesnt. He doesnt care. Everytime we fight he calls me names and blames me. He's told me that no one else will ever love me. I'm a bitch. I'm not good enough. Im worthless. I'm useless. I'm stupid. I should "eat shit and die". Im crazy. The list goes on. Lately during fights he breaks shit. He punched a hole through the wall. He throws this and punches things. He's thrown things at me but insists that I get over it because its "just a pillow" or "just a wallet". He's grabbed me violently and thrown me around. He shoves me and hold me down. He screams in my face. He has a horrible temper. He has horrible social skills. He's dirty. I'm always cleaning up after him and he thinks thats my job. He has bad hygiene, dresses like a bum, hes extremely out of shape which he wasn't when we started dating.

And maybe I could look past those last few things if it werent for everything else. But I can't do this anymore. I'm not attracted to him, I dont think I love him anymore, I dont trust him. I'm not happy. I'm miserable. I'm only 20.

I want to leave but I'm TERRIFIED. We split all the rent and bills. His dad owns this apartment so if we break up I have to leave. I cant afford a place by myself. I dont have any close friends. My family lives way too far away from my job and I cant relocate. I'm also scared of being alone. I'm scared of never finding someone else.

The tricky thing is when hes loving hes so sweet. When he wants to be nice hes so nice. He's affectionate and he does compliment me a lot. He does little things to be romantic.im afraid I'll never find that again. But is that worth suffering the bad parts of the relationship? How do I leave when I have no where to go? Someone please help me or give me some advice.