I’ll be thankful if I’m ever even able to experience a full term pregnancy just once. Being in self quarantine has truly had me in my feelings.

I was in a 13 year relationship that was all around abusive. I had difficulty getting pregnant practically our whole relationship. I began to take a double dose of doctor recommended Clomid. I got pregnant in May 2017, but miscarried July 22, 2017. My ex was already seeing his now wife, and I saw them together that day while he competed in a fitness show. I was miscarrying as I sat there cheering him on, while she was there. I thought maybe I’m just spotting and everything will be fine. That night, while I continued to bleed and be in pain, he left me to go celebrate his victory with her. I didn’t tell him anything, because I thought maybe this bleeding will stop. It didn’t. The next morning I told him I think I was having a miscarriage and his response was, “how dare you try to steal my shine, I just won and you want to bring me down, you’re truly the devil.” Luckily my mom took me to the ER and it was confirmed I had a miscarriage. I went numb, lost every bit of energy I had. Top it off, I had to have a D&C and he wanted nothing to do with me. My mom took me and stayed with me. Not once did he call, text or anything to check on me. When I was released, he still didn’t want me to come home. I stayed at my parents for two days and not once a call, text or visit. At the time, we lived two blocks from my parents.

He left me for his current wife in August 2017. Being stuck on complete stupid, I kept taking Clomid, and I continued to sleep with him because I couldn’t let go and I foolishly thought maybe he’d come back to be with me, especially since I had helped raised his two sons. I thought maybe he’d have a change or heart. Again, me being stupid. I became pregnant again in January 2018 but had another miscarriage March 6, 2018. This time he said it didn’t matter because it wasn’t his. It absolutely was, he was the only person I was sleeping with. Wrong if me to sleep with him, yes absolutely, but I wanted so badly to be a mom.

Now... I’m turning 40 in April. I am single. I am worried I may never get pregnant. I’ve always had trouble getting pregnant, I have PCOS and when I did conceive, both times resulted in devastation and traumatization. I still don’t think I’ve emotionally or mentally healed. I can talk about it, but it makes me sick to my stomach and my heart aches.

I don’t know if I can go through a sperm donor. I don’t mind if I’m not in a relationship with someone, but I would like to know them, and have our child know their father. But all my male friends are in a relationship or I’m not sure how’d they react. I just pray it’s not too late but with turning 40 and my existing conditions, I’m nervous.

Has anyone in here been in the same position? I know I can adopt and that would be a gift, but I truly have always wanted to give birth and be a mom to my child. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but I truly think my continuous depression stems from this. Any help, thoughts, suggestions, prayers, positive juju would truly be helpful.

Thank you all for reading this far, and for your thoughts. It’s not always easy to share. 🙏🏽