First break up - heartbroken


I just ended my first relationship after 4 years. I'm so broken I cant even breathe. We have lived together for a year, and before that we spent all of our time together. Our relationship was beautiful in the beginning and still could have been in the end. He was extremely affectionate, loving, romantic and sweet. He would constantly compliment me and go out of his way for me and do sweet gestures. He spent most of his time with me. But he also lied to me a lot. Kept secrets. Didnt respect my boundaries. And was childish. In the end of our relationship we fought every single week. The fights were very toxic. We would scream and call each other horrible names. He would throw things and break things. They always got close to physical. I wasn't happy in the end and I dreamed of starting over. I thought I didn't love him anymore. I wasn't attracted to him anymore. But this past weekend we finally broke up. We will still have to live together for awhile. Now that we have actually ended things, and I've told close family and friends some of the toxic things that happened, all I can think about are all the good things about the relationship. Like suddenly I can only remember falling in love, laughing, holding each other, talking about our futures. And now I feel so empty. I'm so use to having someone there at all times that loves and adores me. I already regret breaking up and it only happened yesterday. I'm scared that ill never find anyone else. Or that no one else will be so passionate with me or ill never be as comfortable with anyone else. Did I make the wrong choice or is this normal