Heartbroken and in love

Hi friends, (for everyone's reference, I'm 20) I'm in a really difficult situation right now. Boyfriend of nearly three years got mixed up with another girl about six months ago, and things got super messy. He never cheated on me, but we aren't dating right now anymore, haven't been for the past month or so, no talking to my best friend.

I initiated it, because I couldn't stand being in limbo with him and this person who I fucking hate (she isn't all bad, but she's hurt me so deeply, admittedly he also had a hand in it,) and he didn't like the person he saw in himself. He said he doesn't like the choices he made, and that he wants to work on himself so that he can be sufficient when not dating. He stated this was partly because he can see himself getting stuck with someone and settling because he's afraid to be alone. To be clear, he wasn't referencing us, I've been a huge support and his best friend/first actual love. He's mine as well. He said that he'd never be settling if he was with me, but he just has a lot of regrets with his choices, and now needs time to figure it out.

I think he's still talking to her, his plan was to stop communicating to the both of us, and you know, focus on himself, I know a lot of people are going to read that as he was lying to me, but believe me when I say he wasn't. He's a genuine person, and I know right now he's feeling genuinely scared, probably guilty, and confused. It would make sense to me that he'd just fall back onto her as a support if I'm gone, because without me there is virtually no one. I know this is a mistake for him because it won't allow him to get what he needs, and I know that given the nature of the situation, if they ever started dating it would never work out, but ladies, I am so broken, and sad.

I've been bearing this uncertainty for the past 6 months, I've tried getting over him, I've tried remembering everything bad that he's ever done to me but I just can't. I love him so much, and I want to believe that he'll make the right choices, and that those choices will lead him to me.

I feel like Princess Buttercup when she thinks Wesley has died; I shall never love again, and I know that's dramatic and all, but this guy, we've been through so much, I know a lot of you are going to think I'm young, I'll get over it, first heart break is the hardest and all of that but, I just, I can't. I don't want to, and I don't want to get to a place where I do. Right now, I'm trying to live for myself, grow myself and everything but it's so hard living with this feeling. I feel sad, angry, alone, I feel like I have garlic cloves in my chest and scorch marks in my lungs.

I don't know if we'll come back together, because I don't believe in fate, and I don't believe that "if it's meant to be, it'll be," but I so deeply believe that we should be. Before we started dating, I was hit with this wave of knowledge that we were going to, it wasn't wanting it was like my brain acted of it's own volition and fed me the thought, "you and Alex are going to date" and I was alarmed, but I was right. The same thing happened when I felt that he was the first person I was going to have sex with. I was scared in the beginning, because I knew if I dated him I was going to marry him (like the dating and sex things) but now, it's all so unclear. I'm such a fearful person, and it's something that got in the way of us a lot, but someone, please, can you give me any words of assurance if you have them?

I know he doesn't sound like a great guy right now. He's trying, and he's human. I haven't always been great either, but I believe in him, and I'm terrified that I've lost him, and that I'm going to be left alone to take care of our memories and to dwell on my own, forever. It's not something that's going to go away, I know that. Either way, it's not going to go away. I just want it to be something we can heal together, instead of something I have to try and mend myself.

It's been hard, because my parents don't approve of him, so I feel like I haven't been able to mourn properly at home, there is this open wound I have between my mom and I regarding it. To clarify, she doesn't like him because I never met his parents (that's because his dad used to physically and emotionally abuse him, and he didn't want to introduce me to that) and to her, me meeting his brother and having been told about to his grandparents in China wasn't enough. She called it a "red flag," which I think is bullshit. That's the whole deal there, I know it feels fishy when the parents don't approve because sometimes people can be manipulated and all of that, my siblings both liked him, and obviously I love him.

How do I do it? I need a lifeline here. Thank you for reading through my plight, I appreciate you, even if just for that.