So to start off..

Before I got pregnant, I suffered from anorexia and bulimia nervousa 6 years, and I never got help or talked about it with anybody. The only person who knew about it was my mom. The year before I got pregnant, it got pretty bad. I dropped 40+ pounds in a month and a half from not eating and regurgitating anything I ate. Me and my S/O wanted to try for a baby; and I got pregnant 2 months later.

Throughout my pregnancy, I had forced myself to stop my bad habits and I did. I stopped everything and I started eating again. I ate everyday, and everytine I was hungry. Until the last 2 months. I was noticing the weight I gained and how I looked bigger than before. I gained 40+lbs. I think I relapsed.. and I started not eating and making myself throw up.. i never told my S/O. I just told him I had nausea.

When my daughter was born (she was 8lbs 12oz), I started getting angry at myself for not losing the weight in the first week. And then I started getting more and more angry the more time went on. I was mad that I didnt fit into my size 6 jeans anymore or my xsmall tops. (I also do realize that it takes time for your body to heal, and you cant just "bounce back").

To someone like me, seeing so much change was hard.. I wasn't prepared for postpartum at all. I tried to hide the feelings I had towards myself and if I felt like breaking down and crying, i just went to the washroom to be alone.

Im now 2 months postpartum, and depression had hit me like a truck. I feel horrible things towards myself. Not suicidal, just bad thoughts. I hate how I look, who I am, and I miss what my life used to be. I used to smile and laugh all the time, I used to be so talkative and make others happy. Now, i barely smile. If i have to, I can fake a smile. Especially when people come over to visit. I can go days without talking, eating, showering.. etc. I know I dont make my S/O as happy as I used to. Not to mention, we havent had sex for like 3 months at this point. Idk. Im also scared that this depression and my eating disorder have gotten to an all time low.. i feel like its never going to get better. I dont have medication for anything, im just scared it wont work. I just want it to be like it was before. Everything feels so dark for me. Ive never really talked about this before so Im just looking for support. Or if anyone can share their experiences.

*FYI: I DONT REGRET HAVING OR CARRYING MY DAUGHTER - SHE IS THE LOML AND I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN*