I've been really depressed for awhile now.. it all started late last year and has been getting worse.

From a really young age I have always struggled with horrible anxiety so that is nothing new... through the years I have seen many different professionals that were available to me.. which includes therapists, psychologists, hypnotists, etc..learned many tips and tricks of how to deal with it or push it down... but things started to get especially difficult for me to deal with. it started to get harder and harder to go to work or do the things I needed to do without having horrible anxiety and I couldn't understand why..

It got so bad that it was a constant panic attack over the stupidest things.. ultimately..my therapist suggested that it might be in my best interest to go on medication.. which I was against at first.. I didn't just want to rush into it not thinking about anything.. it probably took me a whole month before actually deciding for it.. my friends were against it but I told them I just couldn't take it anymore.. I was so exhausted of feeling the way I was..

After I started the medication it took a month before I couldn't even make it to work anymore.. I could barely leave my house.. everything was so overwhelming and the medication started to have horrible affects on me, I became numb and self violent. After which I immediately stopped taking it. But by that point my friends had already begun to ignore me/exclude me from things.. and I was all alone.

It got to the point that i knew I had to do something.. the affects of coming off the medication were 100 times worse than starting it.. so I spoke to my doctor and he refered me to a psychologist to help, my first appt was okay but my last one was more note worthy, in my last session I had confessed to him that I didn't see a reason in living anymore... Nothing made me happy anymore and I had no friends... He assured me that everything was going to be okay and we were going to get me back on track and I ended up leaving with a bit of hope that I wasn't a lost cause.

Fast forward to now.. I wasn't able to continue any progress with the psychologist due to the current circumstances with the Covid Virus..

I understand the seriousness and I understand that it's top priority to take care of those who are sick right now.. but I can't help being disappointed... I didn't even get a message or call.. I know I probably shouldn't think it..but I ask myself am I not worth it? Am I not worth even a automated message or call?.. not only did my friends leave me.. but nobody can even be paid to care about me..

Or am I just selfish? Is it selfish of me to want to mean something to anyone? Anyone besides my parents? ... I'm 22 years old and I feel like I have amounted to nothing..

I have so many emotions and feelings running rampant in my mind and It's so frustrating!

I feel so horrible all the time.. my mom asks me what's wrong and I tell her nothing.. what am I supposed to say? I feel guilty for my own thoughts ..

idk what I expect out of this.. nothing I guess..

I just feel like I'm going crazy keeping this all inside.. I haven't stopped crying all day and I may just be delusional but just for a second, I didn't feel alone writing all this so thank you for reading if you did.. please don't feel obligated to respond.