So we, had an oopsie with a broken condom last night and it’s my fertile week. Ironically, I was supposed to have a tubal done last week and it got canceled because of the pandemic. I am not on birth control because I was afraid of it affecting my milk supply at 7 months post partum. It’s only the 4th time we had sex since I gave birth so it’s not exactly something that’s been a huge priority. I thought condoms and pull (WITH condoms) would be enough until I got my tubal.

I physically cannot carry more children without risking my life (placental abruption that is almost guaranteed to happen again) and I’ve still not recovered from the last pregnancy (am underweight from hyperemisis and haven’t been able to regain while breastfeeding). Mentally I cannot handle it while still dealing with some of the trauma related feelings from my last delivery and nearly losing both my life and baby’s. Financially we’re strapped as my baby hasn’t been healthy enough to go to daycare so I haven’t been working.

So I’m dealing with all of that and a special needs baby too.

I KNOW if this results in a pregnancy (I took plan b today) that the only option is abortion and no more sex until I get my tubal.

The problem is with my partner. He is very upset that we were told no more babies. He wanted at least one more, maybe more. He loves being a dad. He just came to accept the situation as it is.

I’m thinking, if I were to get pregnant from this, just not telling him. I feel like there’s going to be tons of regret and resentment on his part if we conceived and he had to be part of the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I’m also afraid he would try to talk me out of it and be angry when he failed. I will NOT risk my life as a mother of 3 for another child and I will not take my attention off my special needs baby because I’m sick and pregnant and then busy with a newborn. I think I’d just get the abortion pills from my doctor and tell him my period started.

I would hate lying to him, but I feel like this lie would be less detrimental to our relationship than him being upset about conceiving and losing a baby.

Would you do the same in my shoes or am I being a horrible person?

Please be gentle as I don’t feel I have a choice in the decision I’d have to make so I want to make this as emotionally easy on all of us as possible.