please read this. it’s going to be super long, but i really need some advice on how to overcome this. this is not for attention i truly just need advice.

so (background info) my grandfather was one of the most important people in my life. he was like a second dad to me and i did everything with him. i loved him dearly and i still do.

so my step-sister we have the same mom, different dads. we’ll call her tori. me and tori grew up with each other, we are two years apart. she was extremely abusive, physically, verbally, and even sexually (which makes me feel absolutely disgusting about myself) It all started when i was about 6 till she moved out of our house when i was 16.

She use to hold me down and choke me. she use to hold me down and spit on my face. full on fist fight me for no reason. she bounced my head off of a dryer one day in our laundry room. she dragged me up our driveway while i was holding onto the car door so she wouldn’t crush my legs with the wheels so i had to take tweezers and pick pebbles out of my legs.

so at the end of september 2019 i finally told my parents about everything that had happened with my sister. except the sexual abuse and i think that’s what is holding me back from truly having peace with this. and they were extremely supportive and tried to help me any way they could. my father was abused as a child and he said to me “i made a promise to myself that’s kids would never have to experience things like that, and here someone else broke that promise for me. i’m sorry i failed as a parent. i’m sorry i didn’t protect you”

but as for my mom. she was in a tough situation because it was a war between two of her kids and she can’t choose a side. on top of the struggle my sister was pregnant at the time that i told them about it so my nephew and her grandchild was in the picture too.

so moving on to early october 2019 i decided that i wanted to tell my grandfather everything before anyone else found out (because my parents and i decided we were going to confront tori about it) and it was better for him to find out from me directly than from someone else. because like i said he was like a second father to me. well i told him and it went very good. or so i thought it did. i struggled to tell him and i couldn’t get it out so i asked my mom to tell him everything and she did and he just held me the whole time while i cried.

well fast forward to when we confronted tori. we all sat in the living room and my mom brought it up. but my sister says she doesn’t remember doing those things to me and she “wasn’t going to apologize for something she doesn’t remember doing” and went on to say that maybe she “blacked out, out of anger” and then i told her some circumstances of the abuse and she would reply with “well what did you do to make me angry” let me remind you i NEVER fought back. NEVER. i took it because she was my sister and i couldn’t do those things to her.

and for the people that are gonna say “why didn’t you tell anyone” well let me tell you why. it’s because i was scared shitless that i was going to pay the price for opening my mouth when someone else wasn’t there to protect me 24/7

and i think no matter how mad you get or how mad your sibling makes you, you shouldn’t lay a hand on them with intent to harm. which is what she would do, she would choke me until i was as punching the floor or almost about to pass out. so then after she said those things, she turned things around to make herself the victim and complained about how her life was so terrible, that her dad wasn’t in her life and that she never had any support.

my sister has always had my grandma in her corner. and my mom for the longest time too. they believed the sun rose and set in her ass, literally. they always took her side for things etc etc. and my grandma doesn’t talk to me anymore and she made my grandfather stop talking to me too. the one time i needed him most and he wasn’t there. so after that tori never apologized, and still has yet to apologize and i’ve lost almost everything that had any importance in my life.

i start to think it was my fault and that i brought it on myself. and that i did something to deserve it. because everyone is telling me i did nothing wrong yet i’m paying for everything she’s ever done to me.

and i can’t heal. i can’t find a way to cope. there’s months where i’m the happiest person and then a month later i’m back in this rewinding depression that i can’t get out of. and i guess that’s because i haven’t told them the whole story (like the sexual abuse part) and that’s because i feel so disgusting about it. it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

i don’t know what to do anymore. and then me and my parents got in a fight one day because i’ve been so distant and i have a tendency to think i can handle things all on my own. and i know i can’t. but i denied therapy because i just don’t feel like i deserve it. and that’s partly because when we got in that fight my dad said “your abuse was nothing” and i truly believe that. i know someone else out there has it worse so i don’t think i deserve help. and everyone but my boyfriend thinks i’m being over dramatic or overreacting. but i’m still just trying to cope and process everything.

and i’ve started to see it take over my life again. like the sadness and guilt. which is making me push my boyfriend away and i don’t want to do that to him because he means so much to me. but i feel so numb. like i can’t feel anything anymore.

and on top of it my nephew was born so she still is over at my house on the weekends because my mom wants to see the baby. and i struggle to heal when she’s here every weekend. it makes me panic.

please help, and please leave nice, honest comments i’m struggling enough as it is.