So I have noticed I have become more depressed lately. It doesnt matter what I try and do. But with being isolated it has not helped me in any shape form.

My husband been lazy as fuck, my kids need to go back to school to have routine. All 8 do is clean clean clean and the kids are destroying the house every chance they get. We have1 chager cors for 3 tablets once their tablet die I have to put 1 at a time on the charger. Then that's when the house gets flipped upside down. They begin to fight and scream and have so much hands on.

I have no self care becuz I cant go anywhere. I normally am a hermit and dont go anywhere but I honestly just dont know anymore.

I found out I was having and I was excited for a good 30 mins. I had 2 hours to myself becuz the hospital was backed up and I didnt have no kids with me.

Once I got into the vehicle to go home that's when it all started to fall to shit. Like I'm seriously so fucken depressed that I have to bring another child into this world that will only have 1 active parent.

Yeah I know I should of thought about it before I got knocked up but life wasnt suppose to be like this.

I smoke my herb to get me through however today it wasnt working for me. Didnt matter how much I smoked, I could get the ambition to clean becuz I knew it was going to be a waste. So I said fuck it and watched the kids destroy the house even more. Not one fuck was given. Then i realized that my husband didnt feed our 10 month old breakfast so i was straight away pissed as it was already lunch time.

Made him some eggs and toast and left the kitchen without cleaning it. Sat down waited until our son was done and wanted to see if my husband was going to do anything. So i asked him to get the baby out of his highchair. Nope he didnt move at all. So i went and cleaned him up allowed the eggs to fall to the floor and just walked away. My first thought was that if my husband can do nothing so will I.

Changed babys bum asked him if he wanted a bubba and he instantly started to do his whine cry which means he wants it. Made him one and laid him in his playpen.

Fast forward to dinner time, I forgot to take the meat out the night before so it was an easy dinner of mr. Noodles and pizza pops.

I started cramping and my husband thought I was being lazy and just wanted to sleep. That wasnt the case. I drank bottles and bottles of water to help the cramps stop I took tylenol and used my heating pad but it still wasnt taken it away. So my last result would be to fall asleep,I really didnt want to becuz god only knows what else was ganna go to happen to the house. I woke up at 1030pm becuz of the thunder storm we were having. I kicked myself in the ass becuz I really didnt want to go to sleep. I wanted to clean.

Midnight all kids were still up and fighting making more messes. Husband sitting in his chair with his headset on watching Netflix. I was pissed. So I changed the baby made him a bottle put background sound on for him and laid him in his crib.

He fell asleep within 10 mins. Ilderkids still bouncing off the walls and said fuck this. Gave them each a melatonin and told them to get ready for bed.

While I got my 4year old to sleep the older ones also started to draft off. husband falling asleep in his damn chair. Woke his ass up and told him to go to bed, he asked why I was bitchy. I ignored him.

So here I am at 210 a.m and have already cleaned up the pig sty of a livingroom and front entrance. cant do the dining room or the kitchen as 2 of my kids rooms are off of them 🙄

The garbage the filth. omfg. I am so disgusted.

So off to smoke a joint just so I can get the thought of bugs crawling around us while we slept.

Finishing tomorrow and switching rooms around. they want to messy slobs then they can do it in their own space.

I'm tired of feeling like their slaves.

Really dont care for you ladies to be judgemental, becuz who are you to judge someone you dont know.

I talked myself off the edge twice today of suicide. I still have coping skills.

My children are happy, healthy and sure can be a pain in my ass but I wouldnt change them for the world. They make my world brighter.

UPDATE: was up at 8:30 my oldest and youngest boy got up breakfast and I cleaned the entire kitchen and dinning room, reorganized them. I asked if he could clean up his room he did, daughter woke up and she was right pissdd with me becuz I couldn't stay awake long enough to switch tablets over. So she went back to bed. Youngest boy was cranky so gave him a bottle and laid down had about a half hour nap. I cleaned the entrance and now wanting to switch rooms around so I dont have to keep running a heater in my sons room.

As I've said dont care for your judgement. Do you honestly think I wouldnt confirm with my OBGYN regarding my medical marijuana status. She wanted me to cut out the THC that I take for medical reasons, however I also use CBD for pains but told me to start using my CBD when needed. As I'm already highly monitored becuz I have HG and GD babys growth and I are watched. so fair things are just where they gatta be. I have not smoked through some of my pregnancies and some I have. When I was young I was stupid smoke a shit ton of dope, I believe that the only reason why shs always on the go and hyper is becuz its genetic I dont judge her, I have also smoked throughout my sons pregnancy and he is absolutely find thurs fair no concerns hes actually very smart for 9 months old. Like I said I know what it can and can not do as I'm fallowed by a medical team.

My husband woke up and i expressed how i felt seen the house was spotless and went to get a coffee which made me mad becuz i haven't went their since I fallowed the shit that happened in china. Oh my bad I went out on 1 grocery shopping trip for entire month plus some. He asked if I had a bad dream that he wasnt going anywher, expressed my thought and he asked if I was going crazy being stuck at home. That was the end of it.

Now I'm doing laundry becuz no one in the house has clean clothes theres no towels and lord knows the bedding all needs to be done along with curtains.

I'm trying to keep my shit together, and doing what my government has asked me to do.

Funny part is they are giving all sorts of money to families, encouraging them to go out and stock up. I dont go anywhere to spend money as it begins with, so if they are so willing to give me money fucken ya I'll take it.

Also cant take antidepressants during pregnancy, as they counter act to my system when pregnant so they dont want to risk it during pregnancy, they hope my hormones can do what they need to do and get me leveled. I wish there was this magical pill to better myself, but I do the best I can and that's all what matters.