Writing this anonymously because I feel sort of embarrassed. Also sorry for the length.

I had 3rd degree tears, internally and externally, including muscle and a rip straight through my entire perineum almost clear to my rectum. I still regularly have bad pain down there, and I also feel like my vulva has not shrunk back/is a little more open than it used to be. I went to my 6 week checkup and midwife said all healed well. But when I tried sex, it was hell. All I felt was pain and as if my vaginal opening was going to rip right open. This is with tons of lube. I finally saw a new OB, who examined me and said I have massive scar tissue build up around the tear on the inside and I need physical therapy. This was right before the virus madness began, so I never got to start PT. I don’t feel comfortable doing any exercises at home bc I never actually got to see a physical therapist. Because of this, my husband and I have had sex maybe 5 times and I’m 7mo PP. I get so mentally turned off because I know all I’ll feel is pain. Today we decided to try, and right off the bat he complains about having to wear a condom (I’m not on birth control. I was on the pill for 15 years, and now it’s his turn to be responsible). Then he gets mad because I don’t want to suck his dick. I’m so tired of doing that! It does nothing for me, and I feel like I’m constantly doing it bc we’re not having sex. Getting fingered hurts like a bitch, and he just kinda mashes my clit 🙄 I’m so sexually frustrated. Anyway, today we’re trying, and I could tell he was getting annoyed because I asked him to keep applying the lube because any friction adds to the pain. After maybe 10 min he stops and says he can’t do it, between the condom and he could tell I was in pain. So he huffs off and slams the bathroom door! Like what the fuck man, can you not tell that I’m upset by this too?! Do you think I like not even being able to feel sexy and enjoy having sex again?? I’m so frustrated and I know I can’t see a PT for a while and I’m also tired of going down on him. Ugh and his mood is so dark when he’s not getting any. I fucking hate this feeling. And my mom friends have no similar experiences with tears and just tell me to keep having sex. NO. IT HURTS. And I don’t want to be pressured or guilted into it, and feel like he’s constantly hanging it over my head (which he is, with little remarks and jokes and his attitude). Ughhh I just want my vagina back.