What is wrong with me ?

Really long story short...I suffered a dangerous blood loss event in January of this year. My family told me after they thought I was going to die. That same day was the first day in 13 years (I’m 44) I’d had sex with someone. Met him on a dating site, it was just a hook up which is fine. Since then I have slept with 18 different men, few of them more than once. Saturday I made a bad decision to meet a stranger in a motel room. It had been mentioned as a possible threesome (I’ve never had one). It ended up just being me and the original person I talked to. But it was rougher than expected. Rougher than I was comfortable with. He gagged me until I couldn’t breathe and told me I couldn’t tap out when I tried to lift my head up. He two hand choked me until I was kicking and swinging because I couldn’t breathe. He slapped my cheeks several times and eventually asked me if I liked being smacked or punched better. I said please don’t punch me...then he did. In the cheek/jaw twice and the back of the head twice. I still didn’t leave. I eventually did and wasn’t held against my will in anyway. The seriousness of the incident didn’t dawn on me until I was in my driveway again. Then I was terrified about what I’d done and what could have happened. Why didn’t I leave? Why didn’t I tell him to stop? Why did I go? Why am I seeking multiple anonymous partners and then not being safe about it? I think I need to see a counselor. Helpful note: I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for five years, in which I left in 2006. Mentally abusive and I still have issues today.