My <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> journey started about 2 months ago. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, conceived naturally, and quickly. My current husband has no kids and it has been a life-long dream of his to be a dad. We have male factor infertility. Very low sperm count, 0% motility.

We went through a couple sperm tests and blood work for me over a couple months until the Dr. said he was ready to start a cycle with us. We started the BC, then the injections, then more injections, and daily blood work. I was getting headaches, bloating, fatigue, insomnia, etc.

Egg retrieval day: happy nerves! We had been counting down the days. Everything went smooth until they told me they got 5 eggs. I cried. I know, it's not a bad number, but I was expecting more from 17ish follicles. The next day, 3 fertilized, 4 days later, 2 made blastocyst. Even the emryologist was confident.

Transfer day: EXCITEMENT! My lining was looking perfect, numbers, hormone levels, PERFECT. Watching the screen as the little plastic tube was inserted and saw the tiny white dot pop out into my uterus.

The 10 DAY wait for the pregnancy test was the LONGEST 2 Months, lol. At only 9 days after, I felt excruciating pain that woke me up at 2:30 AM. Worse than labor pain, but not one drop of blood. It lasted for 10 minutes, but took half and hour of a hot compress to my abdomen for it to finally be not so painful I could fall back asleep. When I called the Dr. office I was told it must be a good sign, my ovaries must have been swelling so come in that day I stead of the next day for a pregnancy test.

Results: 54. Its positive but wants to recheck numbers in a few days to make sure it goes up because the positive could be residual HCG hormones from the shots.

Results: Not going up. Not pregnant. Stop HCG and progesterone injections. Set up an appointment after my period starts to see what could have went wrong.

Home: Big ball of tears, every hour or two, even the next day. Husband, facing his biggest fear of not having his own kids. He loves and adores my kids, but he doesnt want to have to compete for love. He wants to be daddy, he hates watching my kids hope for their dad to be even half the father he should be but isnt, and them getting their heart broken by him. It's not fair that a guy could have kids and not give a crap about them while hes prayed his whole lowlife for kids.

My husband blames himself, for his sperm I am blaming myself because I had kids, easily, now my body didnt take these? Why? Could 7 years between my last pregnancy and now make the difference? Could I have been too strenuous at work the following days that caused them not to stick?

I know I sound like I'm ungrateful to already have kids, and to be hoping for more, but I LOVE my kids. I am happy to be a mom, but neither were planned, they happened, and I am grateful they are mine. But there is something different when you are actively trying and praying and going through so much and trying to make your husband's dream a reality.

We dont have crazy money to throw around for <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>, we are between that and buying a house. Now, we also have to wait God knows how long to try again, IF we can afford it.

We are mourning so hard, and yes, it's only the day after we found out. I'm confused on how to mourn something that was barely even 10-20 cells. Someone that we were only hoping for that couldnt even come to be, didnt even have a heartbeat. To think about how much I go through and any other woman has gone through and how we still keep pushing and trying is unimaginable, even while I am actually going through it.

I am praying and still hopeful that God will hear, know, and grant the desires of our hearts, but still so scared to even possibly go through this pain again. I never knew so much about infertility, aside from more people have it than I knew. Now I'm staring at it in the face, and feel so much more compassion and sorrow for so many women out there. I sincerely wish the best baby dust to all of you lovely, strong, and brave women. 💜