This pregnancy , I have completely detached myself from it . I was pregnant with twins , and miscarried them at 10w3d, ended up getting pregnant 3 months later.

And I may regret it... i thought this was something i wanted to bad , after losing my twins , the pregnancy was unplanned from the start , but after I lost them , I always felt like a piece of me was missing.

I would cry about it so often , I'm sure it annoyed everyone around me. I had some of the nastiest things said to me.. "At least you know you can have kids." "You can always try again, lots of people lose their babies." .. but the one that I think got me the most, and stuck and is making me so detached from this pregnancy came from my boyfriend .. "You keep feeling sorry for yourself, and you shouldn't, you should feel sorry that two kids didnt get to grow up... this right here makes me not want to have kids with you." .. boom here we are again . Pregnant.

I almost didnt even want to tell him this time around .. I just wanted to leave .. move out . He seems more excited this time I guess.. Hes actually involved more, and doesn't let his job interfere with appointments.. even though he cant attend them, he still insists I video chat him during, our last pregnancy, he didn't want to tell anyone, this one hes basically screaming to everyone, when i crawl in bed at night , he'll hand me all my meds to make sure I take them.. when he leaves in the morning , he'll kiss me, and then wedge his hand under the blanket to rub baby . 💕 (I think it's super cute.)

But .. I'm still super detached . I dont want anyone to know.. because I'm almost embarrassed. I dont keep track of how far along I am most of time .. I know the week usually, but never down to the day .. i dont pay attention to the apps that tell you how big baby is , and what they look like each week anymore , I dont window shop ... the only thing i even remotely look forward to is walking out of the next appointment knowing what's going on inside my body .

I'm scared my body is going to let me down again, and if it does , my feelings are going to be ready this time around. As heartless as that sounds , I really feel like by detaching myself that it's what I'm preparing for .