I have never mourned an animal the way I am mourning my cat right now. I am in physical pain and have been sick for three days. My husband and I had four cats we love dearly. We’ve had our oldest for six years, our second oldest for four years, our youngest for three years, and just adopted another adult cat a year ago. Our cats are very important to us, we spend a lot of time with them, they’re all so sweet and smart. I’ve never had a stronger bond with animals. We had a few “handicats” our oldest girl has vision problems, and our youngest baby lost her back right leg shortly after birth while her mother was trying to free her from her embryonic sac. My friend who bred her (Savannah cat) told me the vet said she wouldn’t live her full life expectancy and he thought she should kill her. She asked me if we’d take her instead. I was soooo excited, I had named her months before we even met! Neji 💖 she came home with us at 4weeks old. July 1st, 2017. She was the first kitten my husband and I had ever raised, our other cats were past that stage when we got them. I love all my cats endlessly but there was a special bond after bringing this cat up from when she was so tiny. She fit in my hand and loved sitting on my shoulder, and she always clawed her way up to your shoulder to cuddle no matter how big she got. She was like my baby 💓 we called her our baby, like we call our only boy cat our boy. She even had a loud, raspy meow/yell that sounded like a crying baby 😭 literally a gorgeous F4 savannah who would’ve been a pretty penny with all four legs. But she had three, and so she was ours. And she was perfect. She purred so strong, even as we put her to rest. 😭😢 She became paralyzed, and couldn’t control her tail, back leg, or bladder anymore. She dragged herself around for the last week and a half of her life.. but she never lost herself. She stayed sweet and normal while her body failed her.. we brought her to the vet on Tuesday and while I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be good, I wasn’t expecting euthanasia to be the only option. I lost her so fast. She was still hopping around a month ago, having a hard time but still moving the leg, using it, putting pressure on it. Then recently she started dragging herself. I knew it wasn’t good, but she had good and bad days. A week ago we noticed a sore on her tail, and swelling on her rear from dragging. Started bathing her, she would lose clumps of hair every time. helping her in and out of litter. Used a diaper eventually to try to keep her butt off the ground while she dragged, isolated her in a bedroom for the last three days so she couldn’t drag herself far. Diapers made the infection worse, by the time our appointment came she had tissue necropsy starting in her tail. I felt so awful for her. Still, she sat on the vets table, being petted by all the techs and purring strong. How could it get to this? Was it her body that failed her or me?

Could I have done better for her? I just don’t understand why she was taken from me so fast. She asked if we wanted to euthanize her, as that’s all she could do now, but it was our choice. Fuck no. I don’t wanna euthanize my not even three year old cat. But I can’t take her home and let her wither away until she becomes lethargic and not herself... so we did. And it felt SO wrong. She was sooo herself until the sedative kicked in. She wasn’t even asleep all the way and the doctor came in with the euthanasia medicine 😢😢😢😢 I was so scared. I don’t know if it hurts them to be injected with that before they’re actually sleeping. I know she had a sedative but I won’t forgive myself if the last thing she felt was more intense pain before dying. I asked the doctor twice if it was okay to do it right then. Like are you SURE? And they laid her on her left side, wrapped her in a towel, injected her, and she laid her little head down in my hand 😭😭😭😭 she looked so confused and so scared. I hated how she looked when she died! I didn’t wanna take my hand out from underneath her head. I wasn’t ready for her to be dead she was just so there and so lively!! My Neji! I just kept rubbing my face on her head and giving her kisses. I wanted her to feel my love again. I want her to feel my love again. I wanna hold my baby. I regret not holding her on my shoulder how we used to then. My husband reminded me that she’d pee on me, but joe that she’s gone I don’t think I would have cared much if she did.

She lived from May 29th 2017 to April 14th 2020. She showed love every moment she was here. I am so lucky to have been her mom. She’s the first cat I’ve lost as an adult. I was 19 when I got her, I’m 22 now. And I know I’m dramatic but this is tearing me apart for so many reasons. I’ve genuinely never known pain like this, my little baby was taken away 💔 way too soon. I don’t think my heart could ever survive having human babies.

She loved cheeseburgers