You have no purpose, no reason. You’re here, but you’re not feeling anything. You don’t know who you are right now. You don’t know why you woke up this morning.

You force yourself to go outside, but all that is in your mind is the same impulse thoughts you can never get rid of. You are standing on the side of a road and all you can think about is being run over. You’re holding a sharp object and all you can imagine is yourself bleeding out. You are on a ledge and you can only see yourself falling.

Today you were terrified by your own thoughts, but you can’t say what part makes it worse. Was it the thought in itself or was it the fact that it didn’t make you feel anything when you thought about it?

You imagine all these things because you’re so desperate to feel something, anything, because you don’t want to be void anymore.

You’re writing a letter to yourself, only because it makes your mind feel less hectic when you can get some of the words out, to see instead of hear.

You are a happy person, everyone knows that. Happy is your natural self, but now you don’t feel anything at all.

You woke up today, feeling like it doesn’t matter, like it never will again. You dread waking up and you fear not being able to fall back asleep, you fear not being able to be in the one place where it doesn’t hurt to be alive. All you want is to be asleep until it’s all over again, just like every other time.

You can never explain why you are feeling this way, why you act the way you do or how something so insignificant as hormones forces you to stop living time and time again. You are stuck in the never-ending loop of helplessness trying to explain, just explain in some way that makes sense, but you cant. Least not to the person you love the most. And he suffers because of it. Because of you. You want to be better, you want to be someone else, mostly for him but also for yourself.

You try and try again, but it will never change because you were hardwired to be what you are, all the way from the start.

You look at yourself to say that you need to stop being so god damn bipolar. Your mind is screaming at you to put all of your pieces together, but how could you find them now if they have been gone for years?

You are only here, existing, feeling like you’re standing under a constant stream of ice cold water, frozen in fear and unable to move, unable to breathe because your lungs are full of water.

People ask you if something has happened and you give the cliche answer that you’re fine even though you’re not, because how would you ever be able to explain to someone how you can go from happy and motivated to lifeless and void within a second, without anything actually happening to you?

You end up saying things you don’t mean, things that you can’t ever take back and things that hurt the people you want to keep safe.

You go from feeling nothing to feeling devastated and completely exhausted. You can’t control your emotions no matter what and that makes you panic.

The one person that makes you feel safe is not within reach and you’re left to defend yourself. You are forced to be the one to physically hold yourself together as to stop your heart from falling out of your chest, because that is the only part of you left that is still alive.

Its not okay to be this anymore and you need help.