Okay ladies, I really need some advice because I can’t wrap my head around any of this and idk how I should be feeling. Please no mean comments, I’m kind of suicidal with everything going on and I can’t handle it.

My family life is a wee bit strange. I have a step father in my life who has been making some weird comments for a long time. He had put trackers in my phone and car which is fine, their house their rules (although I’ve never been a bad child and was 17 at that point). They found nudes on my phone which I had been sending to my boyfriend of one year(long distance) and my mother asked me not to send more till I was 18, and I agreed. Well that’s when the comments started.

I joked about being a porn star with my boyfriend on the phone cause school was difficult, and my step dad says from the other room “I’ve seen all the moves you have you aren’t good enough to be a porn star” and that’s when all of this began. From then up until now (I’m 19) he’s been saying things that just didn’t seem right.

When I went to visit my boyfriend (the same one from years ago) for the first time he pulled me aside and begged me not to have sex. I told him that it was my body and I’m an adult and have a choice, but he kept saying please don’t and tried to hug me. Then later he joked about sowing me shut so I couldn’t have sex. He has also made comments about how I have a sexy neck and how I’m all legs. Ive asked him not to come back into the doctors room with me (because I am a grown woman) and he said, “I’ve seen all you got so there’s nothing to hide.” I said that maybe when I was younger and he insisted that he has still seen everything and wanted to come back with me.

I told my mom all of this a few days ago and have just been staying in my room, I feel like I can’t face him without crying. I think I have trouble facing him because I’ve been sexually assaulted when I was in school and I was molested by my brother when I was around 5 when my parents started fighting. (My brother was only a year older than me so I don’t hold this against him although I have trauma from it) I considered going to my biological dads house but he is physically and verbally abusive. I’m afraid of being around him as well and have severe ptsd from my interactions with him. However I am forced to interact with him so that he doesn’t have a pi sent on me again and so he doesn’t cut off my school funding.

I’m not sure how to feel. Have I been stuck in a bad home situation? I feel like I’m just selfish and this is all my fault.

Edit: I’ve talked to my mother and she keeps saying that he was just making bad jokes and that she believes in her heart that it isn’t bad like I think it is. I think she’s trying to understand but is giving him the benefit of the doubt. He is telling her that I’m taking it all out of context, but I know I’m not. I really wish I could leave but idk what to do about the quarantine.