I posted in another group too Back when I was 14 I was in a very depressed spot in my life that lasted for years I attempted suicide several times over that summer, but I was involved with a 48 yr old man, we would always fondle one another, I would kiss him give him blow jobs (I wasnt aware that that was what I was doing) he would finger me even though I didnt want him to he would put a condom on and rub my vagina, he would take me to desolate locations and eat me out I hated it and suck on my boobs, at first I liked it but soon I felt weirded out by it and by him, he would give me money anytime I needed it or wanted it. My parents noticed I wasnt acting right and tried to make me spill the beans but I never did. I would overdose on pills, cut my arms and blame the cats burn my arms and blame my dads cars I would smoke cigarettes my parents took me to counseling but it didnt help and so they had me talk to my youth director but he ended up doing the same thing the 48yr old was doing to me. Now I'm 27 and still to this day if a particular song comes on I get flashbacks of him doing things to me and I get the feeling and I cant stand it I've tried my best to cope but now I've had thoughts of wanting to be abducted and killed, just so that I wont have to deal with these thoughts anymore and because my body is ruined deep down. I am married and have 2 children. My husband loves me for who I am I cannot afford counseling or therapy I really dont want to go due to past experiences mentioned above.