I was a bad mom today.

I cried most of the day today. My baby was so fussy and I just couldn't take it. I even, for a split second, found myself feeling regret.. I love him so much and of course I don't actually regret having him.. But why did we think we were ready for a baby? Am I not cut out for this? Should we have waited? I'm mentally and physically exhausted and emotionally drained.

He is 8 months so maybe this is the leap or sleep regression or both, I don't know. He is so unhappy I feel like I'm failing him. And I still don't know what his different cries mean.

We are still up 4 times overnight. And it's all me because my baby is breastfed and won't take a bottle. I guess I haven't had longer than 3-4 hours sleep at a time in over 8 months now. It's usually 2. We sleep trained so he falls asleep without sleep props, so I can only assume he's actually hungry when he wakes up and cries. I don't know. Makes me nervous to try any night weaning cause I don't want him to be hungry.

He is up for the day at 5:30am no matter what I try.

I nurse every 2 hours during the day, but he only eats for 2-3 minutes each time. I wish he'd take a bottle so I knew how much he was getting. My nipples have cuts from his 6 teeth. I would quit breastfeeding if I could.

Naps are still 30 or 40 minutes. It doesn't matter if the wake window is 2, 3, or 4 hours, we've tried it all. I don't get any down time once I've gone to the bathroom, had some food, and done the chores.

All he's done for the past 2 weeks is whine and cry. He is so clingy and his mood swings are insane.

He can't play independently for more than a minute. Hasn't since birth. Hence why I can only clean or make a snack during naps. I need to always be 'on' and I just couldn't today.

My husband is working from home due to coronavirus but is very busy and is basically shut in the home office from 8-5, usually on conference calls so I feel the added pressure to keep baby quiet.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. And I feel like I'm doing a crappy job. I don't know why I'm writing this whether it's for pity, support, or just to know if someone out there is feeling the same. But if you've read this far, thank you.