Being lds is very hard and stressful

I am member of mormon church, since I was 8 years old and I got baptized very young and I was thinking about that until now and every then I go to church when I was little go to primary and when went young woman's on Wednesdays and I quit going and when I get older like now I'll never felt so Trapped and depressed, of course I been so overprotective from being mormon, I say my prayers everyday and every night, every Easter Sunday general conference being on like almost 3 or 4 hours sometimes I get uncomfortable by watching it and telling stories blah blah, hearing their voices cracking, Sometimes my mom gets very angry at me for not watching it with her.

When I pray I just feel cold and dark spirit in my body and i was thinking something is not right and Sometimes I broke down In tears and pouring my heart and soul into them, Sometimes when I got sleep I feel my depression is coming along, lately I just felt very sad and losting alot of faith and my mom gets very angry at me saying satan is controlling your mind and we just get into huge argument and I told her yes I been praying, so Sometimes I go on YouTube to review how Inside temple marriage look like and how the temple looks like, Sometimes I dream that going inside with my family doing scary things inside and I get anxiety attacks in my sleep because I have nightmares.

So I Sometimes I googled stuff about the church history and so come up joesph Smith and Brigham young and so they married bunch of wives and some older woman and some very young girls, I feel sick in my stomach and sad for the young girls like come on leave them alone, rest their souls.

I look up temples, they have hidden symbols around them and I was like in shock and my heart dropped.

What breaks my heart, when these young couples getting married to temple, and their families and friends are not intived.

To see their daughter getting married and their father walking their daughter down the aisle and theres no flowers and bridesmaids and groomsmen.

I feel so sad to see them waiting for them to come out, like it's winter or summer and I was thinking if I get married in temple and I won't let my family wait outside for me to get married and I would broke down for them.

One thing that really upset me that the church history they Baptist dead people

I think they should have respect people who are dead and respect what religion they belong to and their backgrounds.

If I was getting baptized by the lds for the dead, I wouldn't be baptized and I rather be In peace and rest.

What really breaks my heart that the church doesn't like gays and lesbians marriage too, I respect gays and lesbians and they are comfortable in their skin, leave them alone and be happy with their choose their spouses

Not to judge too.

Don't judge people with their skin colors and backgrounds and cultures.

I thought god loves his people each one of his child so much, what gets me to question that where is a heavenly mother at and why she is hidden and I believe that jesus mother is mary and she is mother to her children too.

What really bugs me that when missionaries serve their missions like for the boys two years and the girls 1 year, they can't have cellphones and emails to keep in touch with their families and checking on them and how was life treating them and everything just sad.

When my mom told me I have a heavenly parents I was like thinking was i adopted in spirit world like does god have more wives to get married with fathers and I am like something is not right.

What really breaks my heart, when my mom says you won't get married in this lifetime and you will get married in spirit world and i was thinking and I cry myself to sleep.

Even now I still cry things I don't like being a mormon, and I listen to catholic mass and prayers I feel safe and protected and calm.

When I say my mormon prayers I feel dead inside with someone else mind and body too, I just feel like getting my records removed sometime in the future.

Thanks for understanding me.