So part of me feels silly for posting this, but I also feel like I’ve been looking for a place to share my story and connect with anyone else with a similar experience since it happened, so here goes (warning, long post)...

I’m a first time mom and my little boy was born Dec. 30. After a long journey with fertility issues that included being on Clomid and later Letrozole for over a year and 3 IUIs, I found out Easter morning that we were blessed to finally have a baby on the way. I struggled with pretty bad nausea the first trimester but other than that and a small scare when they found a choroid plexus cyst on the 20 week ultrasound (resolved itself completely by 24 weeks) I will say I was blessed with a pretty smooth pregnancy.

Fast forward to December and the waiting game intensified as my due date of 12/26 came and went. At my 40 week appointment I was able to be scheduled for induction on the 30th and early that morning we went to the hospital. Started pitocin and labored throughout the day. I asked for IV medication to help take the edge off the contractions but was handling things pretty well, just wasn’t making a lot of progress so doctor broke my water to try and help move things along. Around dinner time I got an epidural and gotta say, I’m a big fan 😉

Started noticing though that baby’s heart rate would drop a bit during some contractions and then come back up. I was stuck at about 7cm and doctor began suggesting that if things didn’t improve and I didn’t progress that we may need to consider a c-section, which I was ok with considering the circumstances. Baby’s heart rate continued to go up and down, and they tried rotating me from side to side but that didn’t help much. At the same time, my temperature and heart rate were slowly starting to climb and it was determined that I had chorioamnionitis, which is an infection of the amniotic fluid. At that point things shifted to “we are going to the operating room now” and everyone started moving much more quickly. I was wheeled out, my husband was taken to a room to get the appropriate attire and told someone would be back to get him once they were ready to start. However, once they had everything set up, a test to see if I was sufficiently numb proved that I was not - I had been noticing the epidural seemed to be wearing off back up in my room and had mentioned this to a nurse but then there wasn’t time to deal with it as things started going downhill for baby and I. So I was given no choice but to be put under general anesthesia. The last thing I remember was crying and asking to please tell my husband to be sure and get a video of his birth/first cry (not realizing protocol did not allow him to be in the operating room in this case). At 11:13 that night, our little Micah took his first breath and entered the world, without me or my husband there to witness it 😭

Turns out the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck (hence the dropping heart rate during contractions as it got compressed) and he was face up, so it would have been a very difficult vaginal delivery had we stuck with that route. Thankfully, he had no complications after birth, and once he and the amniotic sac were out, my infection symptoms cleared up right away as well. I truly believe the c-section was the right way to go for the health of us both, but I cannot get over having to be put under and missing everything. I missed his first cry and that coveted “golden hour” together. I didn’t get to reveal the name we had chosen for him to our family and was the last one to get to hold him. I finally woke up over 2 hours later but barely remember holding my son for the first time or fumbling through our first night together. I hate looking at those first pictures of him knowing I wasn’t there, and when I was I look so drugged and out of it I barely recognize myself.

I know I should be thankful that we are both here and healthy, knowing things could have been much worse, and I am. After a rough first couple months adjusting to motherhood, I feel like we are finally starting to figure each other out and my heart melts every time he flashes me that toothless grin. But I am still haunted by that night and fear I will always be stuck grieving what I missed. I do not know anyone personally who missed their child’s birth in this way and I feel like my family and friends just don’t get it. So if there’s anyone else who has had a similar experience, I would love to connect and hear how you have dealt with things.

Also, if you stuck it out and read this far, thank you for listening to my story and blessings as you work through the many joys and struggles of your own parenting journey!