Scared of loving one child more than the other

My first child was not planned and it was a huge shock when we found out, because I was so scared of getting pregnant that we used both birth control, condom and the only time we did have sex I made sure not to be in my fertile week and he also pulled out. It was so unbelievable. However we were both over the moon, strangely, when we found out. We found out VERY late because I have health issues that explained all my symptoms, and since we really avoided getting pregnant it was not even on our minds that it could be possible. My pregnancy was difficult physically as I got preeclampsia at 22 weeks and at 32 weeks they had to induce me because my kidneys started to shut down. The birth itself went great, but due to him being born early we had to stay in the hospital for a month and he had complications that will be with him forever. I'll never get over the guilt that my first thought I had when they put him on my chest was "what have I gotten myself into"

I had a hard time bonding with him because I spent my whole pregnancy in disbelief I was pregnant and also in constant fear I would lose him, so I never allowed myself any happy thoughts and my boyfriend had to buy all baby stuff while I was in the hospital because I thought being happy would jinx it and he would die. When he was born I felt guilty because I felt ill equipped handling his complications and felt sorry for him having me as his mother. I felt like such a bad mom. I didn't really feel love when I looked at him. He was the cutest baby in the world, I felt that, but I was acting more of instinct, rather than love. I was only taking care of my poor baby, rather than loving him, if that makes sense.

Somehow over time love grew and we bonded, slowly, but it happened, obviously, because today I can definitely without doubt say I love him and he is precious to me. He has always been a bit of a difficult child, in that he has always needed to be held. As a baby you could never put him down, so since he was born i have pretty much always had him in my arms or in a wrap or carrier. He is three now and I still need to hold him so much during the days it's hard to get things done. It's wonderful, but also very draining. Due to him being born early, he has also always been behind with all the milestones.

When my first was 18 months we decided we wanted another baby. I got pregnant immediately and I my pregnancy was good, except I got preeclampsia again at 30 weeks and had to be induced at 36 weeks. The birth was traumatic as we nearly lost him. His cord was wrapped around his while body, causing his heart rate to drop to really dangerous levels. They said it was a miracle he came out fine. No complications at all. Didn't have to stay for more than a week at the hospital, but that was mostly because I had told them I thought I had undiagnosed PPD with my first and I was scared I would have difficulties bonding with this baby too. But from the moment he was in my arms it was like my heart exploded with love. It immediately felt right, and at the same time I almost wanted to kill myself because I didn't feel like that with my first. I still feel so incredibly guilty.

My second baby has been so easy. He's so happy and independent and has no issues with anything, he's completing milestones earlier than expected and everything is just a fairytale with him. He's seven months and he's making my heart melt, and I hate that I haven't felt like that with my older when he was a baby.

I love them equally, but as my second is so little and I already love him so much I'm scared I'll grow to love him more because I bonded with him immediately and because he's an easy child. I constantly feel guilty for my older son because I didn't experience this with him. I love him now, obviously, and I try to make up for the lost time, but I hate myself for not being happy his first months and not enjoying his baby time. I'm scared I might still not have bonded as I should with him and that I'm not enjoying him enough.

Help, I don't know what to do, and this guilt is eating me up.