Coming to an end..

I come to this app when I have something that’s been on my mind for a while and have no one to tell. This is one of thoses times.

BACKSTORY: *soooo sorry it’s so long*

I’m 15, i’m a only child and my parents split up when I was 7. My dad included me into the afire he had by having me meet the woman and her children. I was bullied at school and didn’t have any friends so I loved having the company. He told him that it was his friend and nothing was wrong and not to tell me mom being the 6-7 year old I was i listened to him and hid that from my mother. My dad has a very bad gambling addiction and would use all money so my mom would have to work long shifts and i’d never see her.

I’d wake up and she’d get me ready Id go to school my dad would pick me up and bring him to the baby sitters i’d go to till my dad picked me up and bring me home and make me dinner and I be alone. I’d be alone to entertain myself in my room while he was watching hockey and then i’d go to bed and it would repeat over and over.

My dads side is italian and all my family are thin, tan and beautiful.(As in both my families i’m the only child, my uncles never had children and all my cousins either live in italy or in the Uk and ireland) My moms side is bigger and i took after her. Because i was alone and always dealt with fighting my only friend was food so i ate and ate and ate because i didn’t have anyone. So because i didn’t look like my dads family i was bullied by that side calling me “fat” and i’m not “my last name” because i look like my dads side.

I had to go to my dads every other weekend to see him and he would emotionally abuse me about my looks. Soon after my dad left my mom got a boyfriend he would come over to the house and I wouldn’t be aloud to leave me room because of it the day I was supposed to meet him he didn’t even show up.

they have been together 7 years and that man NEVER tried to form a relationship with me or talk to me or anything. He’s so rude and a boomer basically he trys to be my dad and tell me what to do and think it’s okay for him to have opinions about my dad.

6 years ago my dad told me I had a half sister who was 17 who he “didn’t know about” (liar) we met and she saw the person he was and left him which meant she left my life. Recently last year I got back into contact with her to invite her to my graduation, she told me the real story about him and told me that i have another half sister and brother that I NEVER KNEW ABOUT.

After that I went to my uncle and he told me everything about my dad, i stopped seeing me dad and talking to him for 5 months (he never messaged me or called me) and then i eventually had to see him for christmas and a few times after. it’s now may and he hasn’t spoken to me in 2 months my uncle hasn’t spoken to me and my sister haven’t talked to me either.

This year i went into my first year of high school my best friend and i have no classes so i only see her before school at lunch and after (we went to the same elementary so we thankfully live close) i net a few friends but they really have shown me who they are. I don’t have anyone other then my mom and my best friend who i can’t see.

I love my mom so incredibly much, i tell her everything and don’t get to see her much. she is an essential worker (but this was like this before everything happening right now) so whole everyone i know has got to be home with their families ive been alone. My mom leaves at 6am and comes home at 7-8pm she goes to bed 9-10pm every night I see her 2 hours 5 days a week = 10 hours i see her. On the weekends she goes with her boyfriend to his house and i am left alone here i’ve told her that i get sad and want her here to spend time with her and she knows that i don’t like her boyfriend so if she’s here he’s here. i can’t be in the living room while he’s here because he gets the tv so i stay in my room my mom doesn’t come and see me at all (on friday’s) and saturday’s i don’t see her at all she’s goes to his house for the night and on sundays she doesn’t come home until 6-7pm and then i see her for 2 hours.

i’ve wanted my whole life a golden retriever and i’ve asked for some so many times because i need some go live for (of course she has no idea how i feel and how much i don’t even want to live and how much i just sit in my bed and cry because i’m alone and no one even cared enough to message me to check on me, she thinks i’m happy.) I have no one i have 2 cats who just like to sleep and a dog who is with my mom the whole time or just sits at the door and waits for her and doesn’t want to do anything with me.

today is mother’s day, when she texted me today I thought she was planning on coming home and we are going to watch (this stupid show she makes me watch but i watch anyways because i want to spend with her) she came home with her boyfriend didn’t really say anything to me and now it’s 10:30 and they are watching tv and he’s sleeping over. I haven’t seen my mother since thursday (unless you count the 5 minutes she came and bring me dinner on friday)

my best friend complains so much about her family about how her mom and dad make her play cards all day and her brother is annoying and coming into her her to play outlast as she watches. and i’m so jealous of that. i have no one. i have nothing. i have no motivation to do any of my work i have no motivation to workout or to even eat anymore i just want to be in bed all day. but i can’t do that because i have to go do the chores and make dinner and pretend i’m fine to my mom.

i just wish that someone cared about me like o care about them. none of my friends from school have talked to me since march, my best friend and i just ft for an hour and then she has to go to play cards. so it’s just me and my thoughts for 24/7 and i can’t do it anymore.

i don’t know what to do. help me.