Intermittent Emotional Abuse

My husband is amazing the majority of the time. He’s hardworking, hilarious, affectionate, thoughtful, is a great dad, and is an equal partner around the house. However, several times a year, he will (for reasons misunderstood by me) get his feelings hurt from something I said and lash out. He raises his voice, thrashes whatever’s in front of him around (stuff, not people), slams doors, tells me to “shut the fuck up” and twice he’s called me a “bitch”. One of those times was yesterday, Mother’s Day. He behaves this way in front of our kids (one 11 yo who is from my previous marriage and a 1 yo we have together. I am also 10 weeks pregnant). In the moment, he kept saying something I said was insulting (I was saying he works outside all day every weekend so I can never do anything besides watch the baby) and I kept asking what was insulting about what I said. He wouldn’t answer, kept raising his voice, and I told him to stop yelling in front of the kids and then he got nasty. I told him to leave the house and that’s when he called me a bitch and walked away (but didn’t leave).

The pattern is he expects an apology from me and only maybe then does he apologize. Some fights have gone on for days when we’re not speaking and it’s just so childish to me.

A few hours later, I tried approaching him and he said he had nothing to say. I said he could start with an apology because he owed one to everyone, he said he didn’t owe anyone “shit” and that I “really need to think about how I talk to people”.

In calm scenarios, I try to talk to him about things like this that have happened, have told him he can’t speak like that to me, and certainly not in front of the kids, and we can’t go a whole day without talking because it’s stupid and a waste of time. It’s not productive time. The fight is just on hold until he wants to get back into the same cyclical BS.

He won’t go to therapy and he is always right, so it’s a losing battle.

I’ve honestly had it with this ridiculous behavior.

I understand that people will hurt each other in relationships, most of the time unknowingly and unintentionally. But no one is a mind reader and this explosive crap is futile. It accomplishes nothing. I like to think I’m pretty open when I’m not being attacked. It would’ve been fine if he said “hey, it sounds like you’re saying x, y, or z and it hurts my feelings” and I could’ve said “oh sorry, that’s not what I’m saying”. And moved on. But nope, 0-60 for crazy.

I am struggling because he is great the majority of the time, but this side of him is very toxic. If he thinks he’s right and has zero remorse, to me that’s abusive. He knows his behavior is unacceptable but his ego is bigger than his desire for healthy communication.

How do you draw the line? Where is the boundary? When does the 5% BS part of the relationship supersede the wonderful 95% of it?