My story

I’m nearly 22 and got out of my abusive relationship nearly 3 months ago and it’s had me think a lot. He not only hit me a lot but he choked me and whipped me super hard with his belt, verbally abused me, manipulated the crap out of me and worst of all he raped me a lot... he’s an on again off again ex of mine but when I moved in with him is when the abuse started, leaving all sorts of marks and bruises and cuts on my lady bits. I think about how he was with me when we were around people which he acted so very in love with me like we were the only people in the world then when it was just us it was the absolute opposite. I’m scared posting about this because of how well known he and his family are so I’m scared people in this group know him and know me because of him.

I’m scared to fall in love again and date again because of what I just went through and because how much people cheat on each other. I really don’t think I can handle all of that again. I always seem to go for the dirtbag guys that have anger issues and loyalty issues. This isn’t the first time I’ve been abused but I hope it’s the last. I keep telling myself I should’ve fought back and I did but it made the abuse worse but I could’ve done more to save myself and I didn’t. I’m in this mental spiral of everything always going through my head of what happened and the what if’s and just so much including pics I have of us on my phone that I can’t go delete because it’s too hard. It’s messed up that part of me misses him because of the very few good times we had together and I don’t understand why. His dad also abused me too screaming at me calling me horrible things throwing my phone on the ground in anger and slamming the kitchen table on me. It’s too much to process and it hurts thinking about. I sacrificed everything to be with him and look where it got me. I don’t feel broken...I feel shattered in an infinite amount of pieces and I talk about how I feel to friends and family but they don’t understand because they’ve never gone through anything like this. Even what I wrote on here is just a small bit of everything that happened. I know I need therapy but I don’t trust them so I don’t want to be in therapy. Talking about what I’ve been through helps a little but I just want my mind to be free of everything that happened and I want to forget but also I want to break a lot of stuff because I’m angry and I’m hurting inside. Also sorry this is so long. I didn’t mean to write so much.