please no hate. I just need answers and, I guess support?

I’m a toxic person. And I know it, I’m willing to admit it. However I believe I’m also abusive. Though of course, him being a cishet white male, it’s not as easy for him to admit it.

Verbally, sometimes I’ll snap at him. I’ll call him stupid when he says something I don’t agree with, I put him down sometimes. Sometimes I’ll pinch him or hit him “in good fun”, but no one enjoys being hit. That’s abuse.

I grew up being abused, verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually. I experienced it all. I may have PTSD from that. Is this why I treat my boyfriend like this? I’m diagnosed with Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, and Depression. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out i’m a narcissist as well.

I don’t want to continue being abusive to my boyfriend, though I don’t see it changing any time soon. I don’t know how I would change myself.

But he loves me. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and never wants to let me go.

But it weighs on me so often that I’m not treating him right. Our relationship is so unhealthy for both of us, but I’m more concerned about him.

What do I do? How do I let him go, while letting him know that it truly IS me, and not him? That’s such a cliché thing, “it’s not you, it’s me”. But it really is me.

I can’t continue to treat somebody’s son like this. I don’t deserve to be with anyone that I can’t treat properly.

I just needed to get that off of my chest, maybe someone has some advice for me.

*Also, he doesn’t treat me the greatest either. He’s sometimes very manipulative and toxic and makes me feel like shit, but I’m used to it.*

*If anybody has any advice on how I can come to love myself, and be a better person not only for myself, but for everyone around me, it would be very much appreciated.