I know this is a group for plus sized and sexy. But I’m not feeling sexy. I’m only 16 and weight 230 pounds. My mom keeps bragging about how she weighs 218. And I get it SHES happy. But it makes me feel worse about myself because my own mother weighs less. I eat the normal amount and the same thing as everyone else is eating. I only drink water and I was decent weight before I had surgery when I was little. Then after that I was like huge over night. I hate being big. I’m not even proportion like most big girls. At last most have boobs that are proportioned with their belly. But I don’t. My belly just sticks out and I always get bad looks from people. And when at school girl always look at me like I’m the most disgusting thing they have ever seen and guys only talk to me when it’s a dare or some shit. I only have like 3 guy friends. I hate my body so much and I’ve wanted to kill myself multiple times through my life from my weight. Today is one of the days that my mind is getting to me. I hate my body so much. I just want to stab it all. I want it all gone. I rather be dead then have to live with my body any longer. I hate myself. I’m not smart. I’m not good looking in the face even like every other girl. I have nothing to present to people. I just wish I was dead. I’d be better off dead anyways. and time address anything before people comment on them. My surgery left me big. I can’t lose weight if I wanted to. And my family wouldn’t motivate me even if I could. And don’t even suggest therapy. My family doesn’t believe in that kind of stuff. They don’t even think depression is real. So please don’t suggest that. It’s not going to happen with my family. My family believes Suicide is the “easy” way out and it’s stupid and shit. But. I’m weak. And I want to fucking do it. I want to fucking die. I hate myself so much that I would rather be dead then live another day on this earth. My girl doesn’t help me much ether with this. She doesn’t understand. She can fit in toddler stuff and weighs no than 100 pounds. I’m 230. That’s a whole lot of different. She’s so skinny. But when I drink up my pain when I’m having the little. Idk what to call them. When i want to die more than normal every time I bring it up she turns it back to her like “I’m sorry. But I feel the same way. All the guys here won’t take their eyes off their girls and won’t even look at me” like yeah because they have girl friends. Or she trying to make me feel better by saying I look great to her. And I’m happy that she loves me. But I don’t want to look good to her. I want to look good to myself and to others but I can’t. Or she try’s to change the subject about how she goes doesn’t want to do her school work and I don’t want to bring my thoughts back up because I know when she changes the subject that means she’s done the the topic. And now I’m just here alone with my thoughts and they are louder saying to just end it I would be better or to starts starving yourself then you’ll be pretty. Don’t just cut lines cut all the fat off. Die. Fat. All these thing but my family wouldn’t understand. My girlfriend one cares for a minute and I have no one else. I just..... I want to be in a casket. Not like if fit. But I want to be dead. I wish I wasn’t hear. I want to be anything else but alive as me. Maybe be reincarnated as anything but human. I’d be fine as a fat cat. But not a fat human. Maybe be a skinny human. I don’t care. Just. Not me. Or even if I got to heaven I’d be an angel and no one to judge you their. Idk anymore. I feel like I want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I want so many thinks that I’m to much of a coward to get

Addressing a comment: I’m only 16 so my dad can track my calls so I can’t call the Suicide prevention hotline. And my family would be furious with a mental hospital because Im fine. Plus idk how to even get to one and I’m scared to go. And theirs not really anyone I can talk to. But thank you for trying. I know I don’t need Validation from others. But I want it from myself. And my self won’t give