Hello, I originally posted somewhere else but got no help or replies - didn’t think to search for a group like this. I also had to post in 2 halves as it’s long so I could copy the first half but had to do screenshots of the second. Would appreciate some input pls...

Original post:

Hello. I don’t really know how I feel and I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone face to face right now. I guess I feel disappointed in myself and like I’m letting everyone down. I’m sorry if this is too long... I’ll have to post in 2 halves.

First, I’m the strong silent type. Always have been since I was a child myself. I’ve also been trained in my job to take everything in my stride, not let emergencies or adverse incidents effect me and to go immediately to “plan b” or a solution and ask why/ fix the issue etc later after the problem is resolved. I guess this kind of helped me to begin with, but I’m not so sure if it’s causing me an issue now. I’m usually the the “fire-fighter” - the problem solver, the one people go to when shit hits the fan and they need help. At home and at work. I’ve done it for so long, I don’t know how to do anything else but I need to let this out somewhere.

I keep crying when I’m alone and I feel guilty for doing that - it took me nearly 11 years to have a baby, I should be beaming from ear to ear, not crying when I don’t know why! My son is 17 days old today. I don’t like showing weakness or anyone knowing I’m upset. I hate it!

I was told “when the baby’s born all these aches and pains (really bad back and neck pain and headaches) will go away. It’s still there and now my dental abscess is back too and I can’t do anything about it due to emergency only at the dentist and stuff, so it may also be lack of sleep. Not because of my son, he’s a good sleeper, but because my body if so f@&£ing stupid! My husband and I are taking turns and sleeping when our son is asleep - when my back/ neck/ head/ teeth/ infection aches & pains let me sleep! I’m sick of being in pain.

I’ve been home just over a week again now and I’ve run the course of antibiotics they gave me. My temperature is still up but not fever any more and no cold chills like when I was readmitted but the wound is still hot and I can feel hard lumps inside, though the skin isn’t painful (numb), but I’m getting very strong cramps inside and have trouble moving - as well as the temperature worsening my headache and, I guess, accentuates my back and neck pain when it spikes also. I’m taking paracetamol and ibuprofen but it’s still fluctuating between 37.1c and 37.4c (normal for me is 36.7). I don’t want to waste the hospital or NHS’s time right now with the coronavirus pandemic but my husband and my mother keep telling me to call them. I don’t know if I should or if I’m going to be wasting their time...

I feel guilty putting my son down to sleep because I worry he’ll feel lonely or think that I don’t love him if he wakes up without us. He just spent 10 months constantly with me and the only thing that consoles me in this is that I know it’s safer for him to sleep on his back than on my chest or in my arms. I’m constantly checking his breathing.

I don’t know if the birth had anything to do with it, I was induced due to reduced fetal movement at 40+4 and after nearly 14 hours in the first stage of labour, I hadn’t progressed past 2cm dilated from the balloon and hormone drip they gave me. I also had 2 epidurals that both failed and they had to give me opioid painkillers which isn’t ideal as it can make baby drowsy. They all seemed really concerned that I’d be upset or worried when the doctor said he wanted to give me a c-section, but it didn’t really phase me at all. I wasn’t worried or anxious and just said “I knew it would be a possibility 🤷🏼‍♀️”. I was actually quite relieved that it meant the doctors would be in complete control.

I was so exhausted by the time I got the spinal block on the operating table and so relieved to not be in pain, that I was nearly asleep when they took my son from my belly. I woke up a little when I heard him cry for the first time but I was struggling to stay awake again after they put him on my chest. I didn’t feel that major rush of love like in the movies. I do love my son, but I feel guilty for taking it in my stride and not really reacting past the surprise of hearing his first cry and what his voice sounded like. My husband had to leave after he was born and he’d had maybe 20 mins of cuddles. It took me a good couple of hours to really wake up. By then my husband was at home.

I did fine for the first 24 hours in hospital. He was the only baby in the postnatal ward who wouldn’t constantly cry and I was able to change him and breastfeed him, soothe him and dress him, despite being in pain, with no problem. And I loved the power shower they had there. We went home and I had to be readmitted as I’d developed an infection inside my uterus 4 days later. Because my milk had already started to decline I was then combination feeding so baby had to be readmitted with me. I feel guilty for that.

My husband actually cried he was so hurt he felt like the hospital were saying he was a crap father and couldn’t take care of his son or something and that he was losing his son after helping me take care of him for 4 days. I understood because of the feeding but was also not thrilled about having my son back in the hospital with all the bugs potentially going around. I feel guilty for exposing him to that and for how my husband felt.

When I was back in, I wasn’t expecting to be readmitted. I was told to come to a&e with baby and when they did obs and then put a cannula in my arm I was suspicious I’d be kept in. But we’d only brought the basics with us. I hadn’t unpacked my hospital bag yet and inside were still nappies and wipes and bags, my pump, couple of bottles and a couple of pots of powder formula. We ran out and the hospital wouldn’t provide anything, despite us not knowing we’d be kept in. I feel guilty for letting my son down and having to ask my husband to travel the hour each way just to bring us more formula and nappies while I was in. He was fine with it but I felt awful as we weren’t allowed to leave the unit so he couldn’t even say hello to us. Just drop the stuff and go away again.

I do love this little stinker and I love my husband