It’s 1am and the depression snuck up on me.
I just don’t know if I even want to have the wedding anymore.
Our original date was April 24 which didn’t happen for obvious reasons. It was still early enough into the pandemic where you could kind of walk that denial line like things aren’t that bad yet. Maybe they’ll turn around. Being a month out from the date when we had to kind of deal with the fact that it wasn’t happening and that was difficult.
Our vendors were all easy to work with and we picked out a new date for May of 2021. So changing everything wasn’t that bad. But I have to send out the save the dates for the new one and I just...don’t care.
A part of me doesn’t think it’s even going to happen. Like the pandemics gonna have another big wave or something and it just won’t be safe for a big gathering. I was already at that point of wedding planning where you just want to elope and get it over with so pushing it out for another year makes me just want to slam my head in the wall. And I went into wanting to having a wedding, knowing that the wedding industry is some of the biggest bullshit. I still wanted it then. I wanted the bullshit.
Another thing is, my fiancé and I are already just moving on. The biggest thing that got me through this was when he told me that paper or Ceremony or nothing he already considered me his wife. We’re trying to conceive cause we both wanted to start a family and we were planning on getting right to it and neither of us wanted to put that off for a year. And I don’t care about having the baby before getting married but we are getting close to toting that line of being pregnant during the wedding. I loved my dress and I fit into my moms wedding shoes and I’m just a little heartbroken that there’s a good chance if I do manage to get pregnant before the wedding I probably won’t fit into either again. Or I’ll be pregnant at the wedding, which depending on the trimester sounds potentially miserable. Or maybe it’d be great?
I just used to imagine that even with all the bull, I’d still be happy on my wedding day. And it might just be a now thing but I can’t even imagine enjoying my wedding anymore. It seems less like a celebration of our love and more of a party we’re throwing for other people and we might as well not be there. (No one has indicated this to us. It’s just my current thinking)
I don’t know.
Let's Glow!
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