Does anyone else feel traumatized from their delivery? I’m 23 days postpartum, and I just get more and more upset every time I think about my experience giving birth.

I was induced at 39 weeks after having some heavy bleeding. About 3 1/2 hours after they started the medication my water broke, and the contractions got really painful, so they gave me an epidural. I was relaxed, not in pain, and contracting, so I thought things were fine. When I started pushing, 12 hours after they induced me, they said the epidural was too strong and slowing my contractions down. I thought things were fine, so I said okay when they suggested turning the epidural down some. They cut the dosage in half.

I pushed for 3 1/2 hours, while the pain intensified. I had what they called a hot spot in my uterus, so that spot hurt constantly, and my baby was wedging her foot against my rib cage so my ribs were killing me. They had a mirror so I could watch my progress, but that made me more frustrated. I could see he head with every push, but after hours of pushing no progress was being made. It was the same amount of her head every time. The pain was so bad I couldn’t push or breathe. I begged for them to turn the epidural back up and make the pain stop for an hour. I was sobbing and shaking. My husband had tears in his eyes because it was so hard for him to see me in that kind of pain. Finally they turned the epidural dosage back up and gave me a booster so I was numb again.

I kept pushing for another hour and a half with the same amount of progress. They decided to do a vacuum extraction. I asked several times if they could do a c-section, and they said no. They were able to deliver my daughter with the vacuum, but I ended up with second degree tearing because she had her hand up by her face.

I had brought up my concerns about natural birth many times with the doctors in my practice because I have issues with flexibility. They kept telling me natural was best. Now I’m still painfully recovering, waiting for my stitches to heal and finding it makes it more difficult to take care of my beautiful baby.

I feel like it took so long for anyone to listen to me when I was in pain. I would have preferred on c-section incision rather than being torn to shreds, but no one honored that wish. Why couldn’t I have made the decision about what was best for me? How was 5 hours of pushing and the worst pain I’ve ever felt best? How long does going to the bathroom have to be a painful production? I feel traumatized by the fact that I kept speaking up, and it took such a long time to be taken seriously.