How horrible of a person am I

I was reading some old messages between a guy I will text this has happened once kind of im 25 and met him when I was in highschool my junior year his senior year 2 different school 2 different states Montana and Wyoming i feel in love with him right before he went off to college distance made it hard i met my now exhusband I was married for 3 years and during my marriage when its started breaking I actually found myself having to block him his name is Cody btw on Facebook i blocked cody so I didn't have to look at him so I wouldn't think of him i deleted an accidental photo of him i had of Facebook he walked in front of my camera while I was taking it great picture anyway after I left my husband I started reaching out to people I was pushed away from i refriended him and we started talking he talked about visiting me and how we definitely could of had something but the distance and timing was bad told him he'd have to wait to visit since I was living with my dad i then started talking to someone else then stopped went back to him i always find myself going back to him after years but its difficult and I feel like im leading him on but I want him i feel horrible