I cant stop crying over him

So i was with my ex for 3 years, he was everything to me, he got me out of my darkest times and help me through life. He was sweet, loving, and an amazing boyfriend. He was also my first love. Things started to change, he started being less caring and started becoming manipulative and constantly making me cry. He started changing and becoming a different person. Most of the time everything was amazing but those times would hurt me so hard and it started becoming toxic. I wanted a decided to end things but we still saw eachother and expressed out like for eachother for around a month. Until one day our feelings were too strong and we confessed our love and want for eachother. The next day, his friend messaged me and wrote a paragraph about how he wont be speaking to me anymore and hes going to be hooking up with other people. This was the day after he told me loved me again and wanted to be with me. I was shattered. I was battling depression at the time and he knew this and knew my reaction wasnt good, but he blocked me and left completely. Left me wanting to die because i lost my escape and my happiness. A few weeks later he came back. And from then on he constantly left me and came back. When he left one day, i met someone else. He came back angry and upset. But he constantly told me he still loves me and wants me to be his. I was full of emotions i was confused. Anyways, im going on a full rant my bad. But this went back and forth until he met a girl. Since then we had so many fights and he left and never came back. I have been feeling so distraught without him. Ive been crying every night and even during the day, just missing him, for months! Maybe even a year. Ive reached out a few times and we would have a good chat and then he said stuff like “shes more special than u” “ i had sex with her” “my girlfriend blah blah blah” “me and ur relationship was a joke”. I constantly have been crying over these words. The way he can say our two year relationship was a joke. Im not as special as this girl. He was my everything and he says this to me. I feel worthless. I told him how it made me feel that he said those things and he called me crazy multiple times. I havent spoken to him since then and i still love and miss him and cant stop crying. I so badly want him in my life. I dont know what i can do anymore i feel lost and empty.