Dear J

I hope you’re doing well. You’ve gone through so much in your life. Some things no one should ever have to face. I really hope you’re okay and have a happy successful life. You were a great friend growing up as a kid , I do wish you didn’t change into the mean popular type. Maybe you’ll grow out of that. Hell, maybe you already have. I haven’t talked to you in a few years.

Dear A .

My first boyfriend haha. My god did I learn a lot out of that.

1. I shouldn’t be so desperate to date a guy. I don’t need anyone.

2. I should never feel pressured to give anything to anyone. So so very glad I didn’t give in to fucking you.

I am grateful you weren’t too much of an ass. (Although you made me feel bad for not doing anything sexual so a big fuck you)

You could of played me, fucked me and left. But you didn’t. You realized you only wanted sex and you told me immediately. I can’t blame you for that although it sucked. But I respect it. I’m glad things worked out how they did and I’m glad we left on good terms.

Dear Ryan,

My god there is so much to unpack. You were the first guy who played me. The first guy I loved.

I don’t hate you, I don’t blame you. I was and maybe still am I tiny bit mad/upset. But I understand and I forgive you.

You played me because you needed emotional comfort. Someone to make you feel like you had worth. To feel like you were loved. Like you had a purpose on this earth.

I didn’t realize you were facing so many demons. And I didn’t realize I was actually helping you the entire time we talked. I would do it a million times over no matter how much this hurt.

I’m so thankful your attempt didn’t work. I hope you’re doing better. I still want the best for you, I still love and care about you and I always will. You helped me through so much shit , brought me a lot of happiness and showed me how I should be treated and how much worth I had.

Dear Spencer,

I knew you were playing from the first message you sent me haha. Ofc I still caught feelings but i got over them quick and let you play. You were so fun to hangout with, I’m glad I got those experiences. Once you realized I knew you were playing me, you stopped talking. I guess that ruined the game for you maybe? I do miss talking and it’s only been a couple weeks.

I don’t think you remember this. But one night you got so drunk, you started talking to me about your aunt that had passed. How she was depressed. You broke down that night and I’m glad I was there. That’s when I decided to let you keep playing. I know you’re going through a lot whether you admit that or not. And I hope you get better. I hope you achieve your dream job. I hope you find happiness with yourself and life. I hope you eventually find a girl good enough that you wont play or cheat. You’re a fucking ass lol but you deserve good. I hope you change.

PS amazing kisser god DAYUM. You made me realize I wasn’t weird for not liking to kiss my ex (he was terrible haha) so ty. In

And finally, Dear Collin.

I was to caught up in Spencer to see and read the signs determining if you were a player or not. I’m still trying to figure that out actually.

You changed my life. I haven’t found the lesson in this one yet. I can’t honestly say I wish you happiness. I do hope you never do this to anyone ever again. It’s disgusting and absolutely terrible. I’ll never forget it and I truly am not sure if I will ever forgive you for that night.

You were so much fun the first date. It was something out of a movie. I never thought I would experience anything like it. Perfect first date with everything I loved. We got along great.

But then the second time we met. Why did you do it? You knew you were taking advantage. You knew I didn’t want it. But you still went with it.

And here you are still talking to me as if nothing happened. And here I also am talking to you because it makes me feel better and I get to delay the healing process that I know is going to hurt like a bitch.

The trauma is coming though. It’s been two days and I’m already having nightmares, panic attacks , waking up thinking you’re back to do it again only to realize it’s just my family member waking me up for breakfast. I have random breakdowns that will last for a minute, sometimes hours. Then I’m back to feeling nothing. It’s such a rollercoaster. And these night shifts at work aren’t helping. I hate being alone w my thoughts. Idk what to do. Yet I don’t hate you. Not yet anyway.