I pretty much know what people are going say, if anyone does reply lol but here it goes. My spelling or grammar aren't perfect either so please don't be too harsh my mind is every where. My husband and I have been together for 13 years with a 12 year old child. We have been through so much stuff and 8 years ago we valued to never speak of the stuff that either of us done prior to that so I will skip that part. The last 8 years have been better to a point but his old self is back and it's not good. I do nothing right, no matter how small or big it's not right. I walk on egg shells every day not knowing how he is going to be when he comes home from work. He takes everything out on our daughter and I, always putting us down calling us both names and when he calms down he is fine and we have to act like nothing happened. I have literally lost myself, I don't even know what I want or like any more. I literally have zero friends and my family is all on drugs so I stay away (because I'm 8 years clean). The only people I talk to is my husband, which he hardly even holds a conversation with me or my daughter which I can only talk about certain things with because of her age. One side of me can see his potential and an amazing future together but the other side keeps wondering why I let him treat me like this. He never suprises me with anything, don't buy me anything for birthdays anniversaries ect even though I always buy him something even if it's only a card. He will not ever hand me money for anything, not even to pay for gas at the gas station because he don't trust me even though I have never gave him a reason not to. We hardly have sex any more and when we do he complains the next day saying that he wore him self out and won't be fucking me any more. We have been together for so long I don't even know how to live without him. To top everything off I'm really emotional today, after my daughter told me that she always wants to go to her grandparents house every weekend because she can't stand to be around her dad 7 days a week, especially not being able to go to school and friends houses with covid going on. Fuck man I really want to break up with him but idk. Idk what I need right now but it's taking everything in me to not go get high even though I know that will make it worse. He has never hit me or put his hands on me or our daughter. Every time we argue and I do try to end it he talks about killing him self and I really don't want that. We have no insurance any more and can't afford it. When we did we both went to counseling together and separate. It really helped but we can't go any more and things are getting out of control. He is constantly saying that he wants to quit his job and that he don't know what he wants any more. He was mad after work today and supposedly tried to wreck his car on the way home but stopped himself then he ran straight into our fence and messed it up and he don't even care, he said he done it on purpose and had to take his anger out on something. Sorry it's so long I guess I will end this here. Thank you for reading.

**edit**

Why yes, as a recovering drug addict I do have to put myself first. Plus I thought I might actually get some advice and maybe encouragement from someone. I was working and got laid off in march for covid shit I'm was a housekeeper and I'm getting unemployment for now, my house is in my name with no mortgage or anything and the light, water and cable is also in my name. I do have my own car as well. I don't need him financially but her literally has my convinced that I need him and he is the only one who ever will.