I just got out of a relationship at the end of April or well early May. I'm not really sure because the timing is a little blurry. But I am so incredibly happy. My ex and I dated for just shy of two years but split because we were becoming toxic for each other. We were apart for 9/10ish months. During this time, he dated someone else and I tried to have my "hoe" phase (literally only gave one guy a handjob bc of how my ex reacted and didn't do much else with anyone) because that's what I wanted to do. But he still had his fingers wrapped around me. He was suicidal during all of this, and we had lost our mutual friend a month after we broke up. We got back together after months of me saying I just wanted to be single and I just wanted to be friends for a little while and I didn't wanna be in a relationship. He didn't understand that. He talked about how he wanted to date me still and how he missed me and how much he loved me. It was literally an every night thing. He would talk about not having anyone to talk to, and that I was the only one who would talk to him. I mean, he was my best friend and I didn't wanna just leave him out to dry as much as I wanted to sever that connection. We went to my company at the times Christmas party, got drunk. I went into that weekend saying it wasnt going to happen that I was going to stay single. But he disappeared and when I called him talked about killing himself. The details get a little fuzzy, but then we were back together by the end of the night. It wasn't what part of me wanted. We dated for another year after that, reached our three year anniversary and everything was going great. I got over (for the most part) feeling like I had made a wrong decision bc everyone in my life (or my family and close friends) had admitted to not liking him. The August after we got back together (was it even getting back together if we were still sleeping together on the occasion and talking basically every night except for a 2 months period while he dated someone else??) I got pregnant. I was excited and so fucking happy bc I have always wanted to be a mom. I couldn't wait to be a mom, but I knew I could be patient and til I was old enough. 22, unmarried, and still got a full year of college left didn't seem like the right time. But I wanted to have the baby. I mean we had plans to get married and shit so why did having a baby now change those plans? During the 8 weeks we knew about the baby, my ex talked about killing himself bc the baby was causing so much stress, leaving me because I wanted to keep the baby, would ignore me even though we lived in the same house, NEVER listened fully to my ideas or my concerns about the baby and what I wanted to do, was selfish and told me I was selfish because I was considering the baby's life, and he would scream (he's a "loud talker" sometimes, but this was screaming. Voice crack and everything) at me. That's not everything, but those are the worst things he did. I prepared myself for the end of our relationship because I wanted to keep the baby and he didnt. He had told me he would leave if I kept the baby. The day after Thanksgiving, his parents and him took me to a planned parenthood by their house. Earlier in the month the three of them cornered me after I got back from an amazing trip to NYC for school. His mom didn't say anything have lost three babies herself. His dad and him did most of the talking. My parents wanted a grandchild I might add and me getting an abortion was not an option to them bc they saw I wanted to the baby. I told him that I was going to hate him after the abortion and that I was going to blame him and not want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I TOLD HIM! At the time, I thought I was so in love with him, but I was just manipulated and suppressed into not being able to have my own mind and thoughts. Ever since 11/30/2019 he has been showing me his true colors. We both left out apartment to stay at home for a little while, me thinking being around family would help me and him bc he was suicidal and his parents wanted him to be with him. So we were doing long distance. He got so mad/annoyed with me after something so incredibly small and stopped talking to me for close to three weeks. I only got small talk compared to all day conversations. If I was even able to talk to him. Our four year anniversary came along and he was still hardly talking me, treating me like I was a cockroach that wouldn't die, and just awfully. So I told him while I was visiting that I wasn't going to stand for the way that he was treating me and that I had had enough. He had a month fix it. I honestly fully went to his house thinking he was going to break up with me after I said what I did. He got me to stay with him though. We tried working on us for a month. He bought me gifts, tried being really sweet but turned into clingy, obsessive, and abusive. Like... I wasn't able to hang out with one of our mutual friends who is gay alone anymore. Doesn't make sense. My best friend didn't like him after the whole abortion thing. No one did. None of my family or friends like him. And because of quarantine I was able to see all the red flags. All the narcissistic tendencies, the psychopathic manipulation that he had done to me. I had no friends he liked. I only had him. He tried to control my money. My whereabouts. EVEN MY JOB!!! He wanted to control everything about my life. So, I tried to leave him. He fought with me using all his manipulative tactics and everything he could to mess with my head. We got back together and then I realized what he had done and broke up with him after going on a drive with my friend. When I answered the phone, I lied about who I was with. But not with what we were doing which was going on a late night drive and wasting gas. He would've made me feel so bad about hanging out with my friend who is a guy who I had just became friends with. You know... Bc he didn't trust my new friend. I kept telling him I love you, I'll call you back. When I got off the phone, my friend asked if I really do love him still. I stopped bc the answer was no. The day after he was mad as fire bc I didn't get home til late and that I was alone with our gay friend (who I said I was with). And I told him it's over and that I'm done. He tried to forceably still be my boyfriend for a week or so before I told him I didn't wanna talk for a little bit. He said his final goodbye, called back not even an hour later saying he had more to talk about and thought of other things to say. So I blocked him bc the only things left to say we're things to make me feel bad and worse about myself. Here we are a month later, I am so incredibly happy. I'm seeing the guy I went on a drive with. Well, we are FWB but he seriously doesn't act like he's just my friend. We flirt in public. He gives me forehead kisses. Kisses me hello and goodbye. We go on dates. Loose sleep to hang out with each other or pull all nighters. He makes me laugh...a lot. I have to sneak back into my parents house. He. Drives. Me. Wild. But in a good way. I had forgotten what someone who actually cares about you feels like. He's not my boyfriend but he makes me so happy. I am so much happier and I feel so weightless sometimes. I feel like I can breathe. Even with the three thirty am restricted phone calls bc that is the only way my ex can contact me (and all the other ways he's tried to contact me bc he doesn't understand what no means and you know never did while we were together ((if you get what I mean and yes I mean that))... I am finally free. I am happy and free.

If you read all of this you're amazing and I'm sorry that its so long but I just. I had to get it out on a platform that I don't think he will find bc you know, he hacked into my poetry journal and saw I was sleeping with someone as is. So yeah. That was a fun conversation that shouldn't have happened but did. So thanks for reading, I hope you're having a good day!!